I co-exist

The Universe that we live in, is alive. It lives, feeding on our emotions.

Nope, it ain’t a monster. it’s just that emotion = energy in motion.

What we think/act happens. Its obvious when we act/react and it manifests. But, more subtle is the fact that thoughts are powerful, and are actually “actions” that will evolve when they should. We “subconsciously” decide when they should.

A thought out there:- trust your inner powerful, playful, spiritual, learning self. Your spirit and the higher awareness of you.

You know better than any other person about what is going to happen next. Yes, even on the Crab Nebulae.

They only person you have to reason out to, try to make peace with, and follow is yourSelf.

(Which translates to mean that you can decide that all I wrote is crap and laugh.)

Out of all the million songs so far, I am hooked onto this – Iktara

Published in:  on December 3, 2009 at 6:08 pm Comments (2)

To coffee!

CoFFee !

Addicted! My parents are going to be shocked if I say this, am as addicted to coffee as the local Indian ‘kalla chaarayam’ addict is to alcohol!

Morning, noon and night, and every excuse in-between. Am sure I have ingested every type of coffee that the local Madison delis can offer, a million times, according to my bills, but every time is a fresh awakening of the senses.

Grad school bums live on Top-Ramen, according to Piled Higher and Deeper. Modification. We live on tons of coffee, and as for me Maggi (Only maggi that is imported from India has the vegetarian version :(   and I miss Ramen).

Cold, hot, flavored, strong. Any coffee, any time. Even at 2 in the night, followed by Maggi. Or the other way around.

Ah, Coffee, my love, where would I be and what would I do without you?

Published in:  on November 12, 2009 at 12:38 pm Comments (3)

Astro-ed — Stars in my eyes

This is just a clarification to people out there who have been confused about what I have wanted to do with regards to Astro —

Wikipedia states that -

Astronomy is “the study of objects and matter outside the Earth’s atmosphere and of their physical and chemical properties” .

Astrophysics is “the branch of astronomy dealing with “the behavior, physical properties, and dynamic processes of celestial objects and phenomena”.

Astronautics is “the branch of engineering that deals with machines designed to exit or work entirely beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. In other words, it is the science and technology of space flight”.

Aeronautics is “the science involved with the study, design, and manufacture of flight-capable machines, or the techniques of operating aircraft”.

I am interested in the first three. Aeronautics, well, not very imaginative.

Also deeply interested in a fourth Astro… Astrology…. I guess it has something to do with the term “Astro”. It triggers my passion (almost quoting from a jean ad).

By the way, while wikipeding (as there is a googling, there will be a wikipeding from hence), I came across Astro Yogurt – a dairy product from Canada. How nice to have curd that is christened such.

Any ideas on how I can import it in?

…Trudging on… uncharted paths…

Published in:  on July 17, 2009 at 2:44 am Comments (11)

Interruption in FOF

Oh Well. I know. I am doing something different again. I am actually breaking into the FOF series and not caring much.

It is, not because I got tired of the starting threads that Karz and Pari posted. It is, not because I am creatively exhausted (bah!).

It is because, I am sitting here, have been staring at this pathetic imprint of mine in blogosphere, and been wondering why it has been in a state of coma for the past few months.

Actually, I don’t know. I lost interest, and here it is, reviving again. And I guess it is going to continue on …. cheers to me!

It is fascinating, to be surrounded by stacks of great smelling new scratchpads and those huge reference tables (thermodynamics, again). I guess I stopped growing, mentally of course, after the age of 5. As far as I can remember, I am yet to come across a kid older than 5 who is excited by new notes. Back then, at 5, all I did was scribble.

My friends tell me that all I do now is the same too. It is insane, but I am obsessed with writing. I can never find a clean neat sheet of paper when I need it because everything would have been written on. Go ahead, blame me for ecological destruction, but oh! I so love books.

Am back to university. It is exciting. And research is great. I mean, I realize that at the end of my eventful life, I may have contributed laughable snips to knowledge, but I am trying my best.

Weird, my post seems to have followed my thought process. I guess that was mundane, a small look into what was running in my mind.

Been waiting for a mail. Should get back to coding my program. When i get stuck again, I promise to blog.

Remember, blogs are beautiful when updated occasionally, and not like a fanatic. Not like I was before.

Published in:  on July 10, 2009 at 3:32 am Comments (9)

Block. Simple.

Right now, I’ve got a writers block. Feels like a brick simultaneously hits my head from outside, just as my inside grey matter learns by itself to get queasy and shrivel, wither to nothingness.

Till then people, I thought it reasonable to put up a post announcing that Vindhya (yae, yours truly) will soon be bang on track. :) If you have any suggestions/comments/criticism, put them up, as you all always do.

I don’t actually care if you all splog my blog (thats spam + blog, for anyone other than AV who doesen’t know).

The block will soon get unblocked. Hopefully. Or I am willing to try any other method than those drain unblockers, for want of a suitable technical word.

Thanks.

Published in:  on April 14, 2009 at 6:04 pm Comments (20)

Fabrics of Fantasy – VI

“Uh !
I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.00 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize. Below that face is
a door plate which reads :
-Aaron Zelder
Amnesia
213 -
That must be me !
But who am i ?
Where are all my memories ? ”

[15 minutes pass by]

I see myself in a padded cell.Straitjacketed.
My senses are numb. I see a faint glow ….
[continue];
[infinite loop]; ”

Somewhere in that time, that has lost all its meaning, a wild surge grows within me. I do not know how else to express it, feels like I am watching myself perish into meaninglessness and the voidness that prevails death. The surge is furious, like the temper of a hundred suns stunned and withheld within me, and each one of them inside is threatening to come out multi-fold. I hesitate and miraculously, I command myself. Memories, I asked for them, did I not?

I know that this is not the first time that I am talking to myself. I am supposed to know that, am I not? I talk myself into walking up to the Louvre window, and I stare out. At least, I stare and realize what I am staring at. A glow, that is nothing but a reflection of the meek overhead bulb in my room. In my cell.

Mockery. Life had had a fantastic laugh over me and was still laughing. Who was I and how was me, were facts that returned to haunt me, now and then. I realize that my heart was still left where I had last seen it. In her smile.

And why, was I doomed to this life? Because of her?

Faintly, I realize that my body has lapsed into stillness. After all, it just stupidly followed my damn bunked brain. Why was I, the over surpassing mind and subconsciousness, left to provide myself a solitary companionship?

Someday, I will escape this wastrel of a body, this wasted flesh of a brain.

Again, mockery. Had I not been someone who had always prided myself to be of superior intelligence? Of brilliance and smartness that I vowed was unparalleled by my side of the Earth? Had not those accolades proved the facts? Those prizes that I never bothered tucking away with and instead always displayed proudly, elated, but never humble.

Arrogance.

And all it had taken was her. To shatter it, to shatter me. And to shatter herself.

Without any emotion, I trace back time to that day. And the nightfall. I do not go beyond it. I cannot. Strangely, I know that when I do, it will be time for me to say goodbye to existence. I cannot relive it. I cannot.

I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.30 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize.

I sit down again, and I try not to doze off. Will I? I should not. It may spell danger.

I always liked that bed. Pretty frills, neat tucks and the low four posters. Baby pink and magenta. Lovely throw pillows. So what if I have outgrown the bed? It will always be mine.

So will my high chair, that I used when I was still a naughty kid. I was naughty, thoroughly. Naana always used to remember and narrate, and how I enjoyed laughing. She loved me. Truly. Miss you, Naana. Always.

Always spells infinity. and non-existence too. Ironical, time is an eon away. Time is non-existent. Am I repeating stuff?

Miss you Naana. You loved me. You said I was the best grandchild you could ever have had. But I outgrew your love Naana. I drew away from you, I know you missed me. I could see that pain in your eyes Naana. And I did not care. Sometimes, your eyes haunt me too.

Eyes haunt me.

No! Not like hers. Not like mamaa’s. What did I do? All that I did was put Zenas away, Mamaa. Put her away, out of the path, so that your love could be all mine. I was your first daughter, I still am. And now, I am your only daughter. It is glorious. But you…. your eyes.

I did not want to kill her, just take her out of the path of our love. I loved you, mamaa. You and daddy. But, you never realized my pain after she came. You named her like me, Zenas! A unisex name, that you thought your daughters could double up as virtual sons too. No. Not her. I could, but she should not.

Wasn’t I too grown when she came along? I was your only ray of light and then, she was there. Like a lightening. And that night, after that party, I hated it all. So much attention to that miserable bundle of 4 years. And she slept in my favorite bed. You think I was happy when I set fire to it? I hated seeing that bed get burnt. Trust me. I hated seeing that bed going black.

But she smiled, mamaa. She smiled before she felt it. Smiled at me. And when you came in, your eyes….

I have relived it. Somehow, I am numb. That is the only feeling that always registers. Without change.

There is a light somewhere, mamaa. Something like that day I was lost in the fog and then I saw light when daddy came out with the lantern. I remember rushing to him from the corner of the road. But I was too young then. Now the light is brighter. Wonder who is holding it. It gives me peace. Like the light at the end of a dark dark tunnel.

At the end…

Now. I want to be with you, mamaa. Not here. Not isolated. You never come to see me. Do you hate me?

Did I do something wrong, mamaa?

[ Something on what manny started. Whew, Manny! Dealing with such abstract stuff is tough :) I did not bother on the tense, because it is the mind that emotes, and can it not slip back and forth into time ?

Do any of you out there understand it? :P ]

Published in:  on November 7, 2008 at 7:53 pm Comments (62)

Fabrics of Fantasy – V

Morning hour, birds chirping, the rustling of grass – the perfect atmosphere to sit and write a short story and so I began…

I had hardly written the first sentence, when a stronger burst of wind, caused the branches to creak and me to look up. It was a lovely morning, pleasant enough to meditate on the story that was forming in my mind.

My first story. It gave me a certain thrill that you will know if you are a writer yourself. Like the creation of a baby. No, even more than that. A baby is created and born and then lives it’s life. A story, or any artistic adventure is different. Once created, it lives you. It still breathes the words that you offered it. Still enamors the idea that you poured into it. And it is a thought-print of you. Something that you leave behind in the sands of time, in the waves of space.

I was feeling like Shakespeare. No, Like R.K. Narayan. I was feeling all Indian. My story was to journey through the heart of India. Through my heart, my thoughts and through my eyes. My perspectives idealized the foundation of my though-print. Does that now sound distant? My baby then. My brainchild.

I would publish it myself. Start a publication house, maybe. But that is a bit far fetched, even to myself. I will sell it to my friend, free of cost. That is not called selling, then. I will offer it. And since I am sure that it will be a best seller, I will take profits later.

I was now suffering from both day-dreaming bouts and from the writer’s block. I was stuck with the first line. Why was nothing surfacing?

Frustration surfaced. and I slowly got up. Why was every thought fleeting past my mind? Why could I not catch onto one and fix it in my consciousness? After all, I had clearly thought out the basic frame of the story already, and why could I not resurrect it now?

My first story. My first line. Was not this what I had wanted to do all along? Create my own world of words? And now…

At 70, delirium and memory are tough battlefields to fight in.

[ As started off by Vivek. You wanted it short, did you not? :) ]

Published in:  on October 27, 2008 at 9:45 am Comments (13)

Fabrics of Fantasy – IV

“You better be good!”….

Shriya grabbed the crystal curved vase and threw it at his head. Straight hit. He tried to dodge, missed and reeled backward under the impact on his forehead. Shriya shrieked at her own violence. With a maniacal look, and blood oozing down the wound, Krish lunged forward, right at her.

She was sweating. Sitting ramrod straight, hands shaking, she clutched the form next to her. Krish groaned in his sleep, and turned, switching on the bedside lamp. He opened sleep rimmed eyes and stared up at the fear and craze in hers. His eyes widened and he reached out to her.

“Shri ? Anything wrong?” Comprehension arose, as he queried, ” Nightmare?”

She was gazing at him, trying to forget the image of his mock, blood and that look. It was not real, she convinced herself. This was him, Krish. Not the one in the dream, how could she have done that?

Krish was panicking, at the wild look in Shriya. He tightened his grip on her arms and asked gently, “Shri, it was a dream, relax. Whatever it was that you dreamt…. ” He had tried to embrace her, but she fought back. Pushing him away, she tried to get out of the bed. She almost staggered on her feet, but stood and looked at him. In the yellow dullness, her confusion and anger silenced him. Anger?

“I want a glass of water. Am going down.”

“Shall I get it for you Shri? You stay here…” He spoke too late. She had already gone downstairs to the kitchen.

The water made a swishing sound against the glass tumbler. She brought it to her lips, stopped and stared. A crystal glass. She shuddered.

“What is wrong Shri? ” He was leaning against the doorway, hands folded across his chest, confusion and anxiety portrayed in those light brown eyes of his. She had to look away, but she could not manage. She appraised him, to keep herself from getting reminded about the dream.

Tall, tall Krish. Six foot two. Broad shoulders. Dimpled in the left cheek, very prominently when he smiled. Three cornered grins. Those expressions in those eyes could flicker and change as and when they wanted to, making it tough to ever decide what he was feeling while looking into his eyes. Her husband of a year and a half.

“Well, Shri, feeling fine already? What are you staring at me that way for? Am sure you are not feeling naughty. Your eyes don’t shine, like they always do,” he was smiling at her, trying to make her feel relaxed, blend her into reality.

She drank down the water in silence and took a second glassful. She refilled it a third time, decided against drinking and threw it down the kitchen sink. Switching off the light, she strode past him up the stairs, and into their room. He followed, anger rising in him. Before she could reach the bed, he pulled her by the arm and made her face him. “What is wrong, Shriya? No, I don’t mean this dream or nightmare or whatever. There is something else happening here and I don’t quite understand. What have I done that you can ignore me so?”

She shrugged him off and sat on the bed. Before she slept, she spoke, “Nothing is wrong, Krish. Nothing. You don’t need to worry. ” It was a long time before either of them slept.

Morning was like any other morning had been. Both of them rushed through, getting dressed for work, stuffing in a light breakfast bite, and there was not much to be spoken in the hurry. They worked for the same investment bankers, both in the Financial Engineering Department. Shriya was an analyst, with Krish being her executive manager.

It was always a reason for much voluble bantering among their friends. They had been college mates, Krish a couple of years her senior. Still, they had hardly come across each other until that fated mountaineering trip that they had enrolled in at college. They were members of the Hobbies Club, and around 20 of its members, including our Hero and Heroine, had taken up a fancy to explore the delights of the Satpura Ranges in Central India. To cut a long, romantic story short, as if to demonstrate that their love was eternal and historical, they had fallen madly in love near the Pandava Caves at the Pachmarhi National Park, among tigers and foxes, hornbills and peafowls, sal and bamboo and a broken tree house stair, from which Shriya had slipped and Krish had helped.

Madly in love, yes. Shriya thought warily. It had been a celebrated coincidence that they both got recruited at the same concern. A whirlwind courtship later, it had been marriage. She winced. It was all confirmed madness.

At work, things were different. One could hardly see the factor that the two were a couple, if one did never know before. They followed the strict code of superior-assistant relationship, at least Krish stuck to it, while Shriya resented.

It was not fair, was it? How could Krish act so indifferent at work and then expect them to be total lovey-doves at home, just a few hours after insulting her for her sub standard work. She checked her anger, her work had not been exactly appreciable the last few months, but that was because of him too. Him and his newly recruited vamp of an analyst. What a name that girl had! Viral. Shriya had wondered aloud what the name meant, and Viral had quite firmly cleared the doubt. “Viral means precious, in Sanskrit origin. It is generally a boy’s name, Shriya. My parents expected a boy and chose this name, but I landed unexpected. They were in love with the name that they named me by it.”

Yes, she had landed unexpectedly in the middle of the souring relationship between Krish and Shriya.

Weird parentage, by the way, which set of self-respecting, child-respecting woman and man could call their child Viral? Kind of described the character, Shriya fumed.

It was not true that Krish had been all attention to her before Viral, but there was even more distancing now and she was sure that she was not imagining it. Viral was not strikingly smart, nor pretty in Shriya’s critical eyes, but she had a certain oomph factor that irritated. She was like ‘all girl’, that had men around the floor getting floored.

Her cubicle was so near Krish’s cabin. It was not coincidence, it had been alloted to her by Krish himself. Shriya was almost at the other end of the floor, with not so much as a peek view into his glazed glass workplace. Again, Krish’s deputation.

Something in her flared. What had gone this wrong between them? Why did he hate her? He must, else, at that meeting….

Last month had been a reality-nightmare. Or day-mare, whichever. They had all been present at the quarterly performance analysis meet, with conglomeration of the various managers and sub level executives. Krish had been one among them, and for some proud moments, Shriya had positively glowed with satisfaction seeing him there. Catching his eye, she had winked with a wide smile, and been rewarded with him reverting his attention back to the papers in front of him. He did look downright handsome in that light gray suit, and she could not look elsewhere. She did not bother too, about anybody watching her. After all they were married and could not a wife stare at her husband ?

It was somewhere in the middle of this preoccupation that she had heard her name being called. She smiled, and sorted out the papers in front of her. She was to give her report of the industry research and pitching that she had carried out. She had started out confidently, and spoke her way through the brief two side summary in her hand. She smiled as she finished, more at Krish than at anyone else. But something was wrong, they were waiting, not saying anything. She had looked around the group, gesturing with her hands that she had finished.

“Where is the merger modeling for Sun Systems, Shriya? ” This was Krish.

She had been confused, and with rising panic, “Merger modeling? I did not… uh, I did not know I was expected to present it…”

“Did not know? I had sent you a mail regarding that, and I am sure I did give out a list of things that had to be taken care of before this meeting.”

“No, I… It was not on the agenda,” she had accused.

“When did analyst’s reports feature in detail in the agenda? This is sheer ignorance and indifference.”

She had been startled at the hardness in his voice. Tears threatened their way out, and she sat in mortification, in front of a crowd of 25, humiliated and ashamed.

The Finance Manager, as affable as ever, had broken into the silence that had prevailed and addressed Krish. “It is maybe ignorance, but I am sure that the young woman was not indifferent, Krish. She will make up, am sure. ” He turned to Shriya, and had continued at her bowed-down head, “It is okay, Shriya, as long as you make good the lost time and submit individual copies to the executives and common information sheets to the departments. Okay?”

Shriya had nodded, grateful at the suggestion. Things might have been salvaging, and she could have almost smiled, when Krish spoke with controlled anger, ” That modeling is important and will have to be the final draft. You better be good.”

It had rang out all around her, stressing his warning and rage, amplifying it, in front of people who mattered in the organization, weakening her as if she was but an incompetent novice who could not tell an A from a B and failed miserably in routine work.

She cleared her mind now, recalling herself to the present. It had to be so, just as she was sure it was. Krish was interested in Viral, and trying to keep Shriya away, if possible, permanently. What else could explain the long hours that Viral spent with Krish, discussing work, glowing with the pride of important assignments, while Shriya practically withered with all the book keeping and excel-sheet stuff ?

That evening found them at home with hardly a word and some coffee to share.

“Want to go out for dinner?”

“No.”

“Why Shri, there is this new Italian eatery down the next street that has picked up quite a good reputation…”

“I know. I don’t want to go. I am not hungry,” she added, as if in explanation.

His eyes shadowed over and as if in exasperation, he confided, “I am quitting the job, Shri.”

“Quitting? Why suddenly? Lost interest? “

He smiled, a sad smile. With some difficulty and after a pause, he continued, ” Lost interest? Not at all Shri. Just that… it is tough carrying on there with you around. I have to make an extra effort to not keep glancing at you from time to time, not keep staring. I have to keep reminding myself that at work, we are committed to the company and have to give our best, and not, er…, flirt around. It is tough you know, even at meetings, not to keep staring at you across the table, it is silly in fact. I over reacted last month, and have been feeling guilty. I could not talk it over with you Shri, it hurt to remember the tears that day in your eyes. I had to show I was not affected, after all it is a corporate world. Viral bears most of the workload, again my overdoing, because I did not want people to assume favoritism, if I assigned you to it.”

“Is that why you put me at the other end of your cabin?”

“So that I could work without giving in to the urge to sneek glances at your through the glass? Yes.”

“Krish…”

“Sorry Shri.”

“K, you could have told me things. I imagined worse than you could have thought possible.”

“Like, maybe that I was interested in or involved with Viral?” he asked with the tease returning in his eyes.

“Yes, but,… Monster, you knew it all along!” she gave him a hard punch in his arm.

“Hey, hold it. Of course, I knew it. Added to the jealous effect in you that we men so love to see in our girls.”

“Maybe it is a good idea you are changing jobs, K. I could have kept punching you at work now that you have ‘enlightened’ me.

“Nah… You would have changed places with Viral, and kept making eyes at me, looking irresistible though the cabin glass, with poor me all heated up…..”

“Stupid, stop supposing things…. want to eat out?” she blushed, hurrying to stop him making her feel, well, feel all womanly.

“No we can order out.”

“And have a candle lit dinner at home?”

“Great idea, want me to invite Viral ? Maybe you can act the perfect waitress and serve ….,” he laughed and dodged the plastic vase that she threw at him….

[Aparna, Just could not think of making the story any other way, since it was your start line :) Maybe next time Appu, I will make it more Mills and Boons - ish :) ]

Published in:  on October 20, 2008 at 11:55 am Comments (12)

Fabrics of Fantasy – III

 “I woke up to the excruciating pain in my shoulder.
My eyes still closed, i groped for the gun.
Nothing !
With some effort, i opened my eyes to see a dull yellow bulb, dangling from the ceiling,
when a huge shadow fell over me …”

“What are you doing, sitting there staring at the paper ? Come over and do your homework! “.

I tore my eyes away and looked over my cousin’s shoulder into the hall. My mom was cutting vegetables, standing at the kitchen counter overlooking my bedroom, glaring at me with disgust.  My cousin giggled. Silly girl, who wanted to pore over the homework of a five year old, giggling, picking-her-nose kid anyway? I had to, no choice. And I had to also complete my homework. Aaaargh! Life disgusted me, well, more than I disgusted my mom.

“Writing my diary, ma. Updating my day’s….” She did not want to hear the rest of it. “Get up, Rishi. Write your chemistry record. I know, you did not yet complete it. Draw up those diagrams that you had to in your physics one. Do your math then, I know you have your exams round the corner and you don’t seem to mind. I don’t want your average scoring in this term, at least. Try to rank within the top five. If Hari can do it, so can my son….”

I fled the room and ran up the stairs to the attic. I would never hear the end of it, and did not want to hear anything. I had my books bag with me, my pens, some pencils and well, my diary that I had sneaked out. My parents were the typical my-child-should-be-the-best typos. As conforming to the standards as they went. They compared me with any child they could come across, including my five year old cousin, compared me with children who had grown up and achieved, including Dr. Kalam, they compared me with the unborns too, including the still unborn cousin, who was supposedly giving no carrying pains to my aunt, unlike the torture I had been to my mother. They got disgusted with my marks, my looks, my slow physical growth, my handwriting, my non-existent sports life, my penchant for getting into tiffs with classmates and the skill with which I brought on that more-than-disgusted looks on my teachers.

I was proud of all these.

Which other kid who had lived or will live will ever live in such a beautiful world of imagination and pro-creation that I live in? Who will experience the magic of a million magics? The worlds I live in are far far exciting than the world that my parents thrust on me. No, my worlds were out-of-usual-imagination scales.

I took out my pen. It was a beautiful golden green fountain pen, that I had received as a gift from my father before my tenth standard board exams. It had been instant love with the idea of creating words with that beauty. Who wanted to waste the majestic gleen of the pen and nib by writing all those harrowing exams?

I sat down to regurge the happenings since this day morning. I had woken upto the pain in my shoulders. Effect of the huge thump that my uncle had ‘very affectionately’ given me. I groped for the water-gun next to me that I always slept with, fully refilled. It was meant to be ‘pichkooed’ out on the person who woke me up every morning. Heard of reverse effect? It was a revenge mechanism with respect to what had been tried on me – waking me up with water sprinkled on my face. And well, my uncle had removed it from my side this dawn. Oh! they learn from experience.

And the dull yellow light? It was for some added effect in my record of events. Unless you could count the sunlight streaming in from the windows as any light effect. But a huge shadow did loom over. My uncle’s. He was the kind of man who woke up early in the mornings, and set about gardening. He gardened and gardened and gardened. My aunt was the kind who even now, I suspected, was at some horticultural display or sale. They prided on being people with green fingers. Green fingers? More like stubby short ones with soil and dirt under the nails. Yuck! I know, I know. They disgust me.

Their son was an achiever. Engineering at IIT and MBA at IIT. I was secretly happy over the fact that he had tried IIM and missed it. “Only by a few decimal points, ” he pointed out to all those who stopped by to awe. He was even proud that he had missed by just a few points than a out of shot value. I would have been struck with frustration if it was that way. Not that I have any regard for the degrees, but just that to have so desire something and miss it so closely?

The rest of today had passed by without any worse events. I had stood humiliated before the family as I lost in the chess game that my 5 year old pest of a cousin had challenged me to. But, that is hardly a matter to be written in to a diary, isn’t it? When all you want to remember are the things that were glorious, or the things that might have been glorious. Who cares whether it happened or not.

My people wanted me to become an engineer. And then a MBA. They plan the same course for everyone of my generation, just like the previous consisted of CA’s. My father was a CA. And so was my uncle. They were willing to pay my way through any successful university for the degree. Money had never been a problem at home. The family would somehow manage to find ways to earn and share. I had so many various uncles and aunts and cousins that I did not bother trying to remember names and details. They prided on being a family with strings so attached that they were a mini Indian Mafia, in terms of family affection and protection. Mafia indeed! Silly …..

All I wanted to was to dream on. Do journalism and English studies. Write, write and dream. But who bothered about personal preferences when clan attitudes were bred from infancy? I was the white sheep in a black goat family. Naturally, they wanted to goad me into believing that I was, after all a goat. No, not after all, I was a superior goat that could keep goating and gloating, whatever that felt like.

So here was I, in my eleventh standard, in the computer stream. Been subjected to hawk eyed supervision to check if I was on the right track, which am normally not on, and then subjecting me to mass critiscism that had me wishing I could get swallowed into a different world in front of their sly eyes and drawn away into magic. Whoever gave second-cousin-removed-third-cousins and a distant-uncle’s-grand-aunt’s-niece’s-son’s-wife’s-brother rights to chide me? In my family nothing is given, including freedom. Everything is grabbed hold of, including a meek 15 year old’s right to dream and try to live the dream.

“Rishi?”

‘Yes, dad.” My dad was this short stout man, who fitted most pictures of the ideal family man. My mom was the short, thin woman who fitted the perfect mould of a self-sacrificing housewife. But the similarities stopped there. In all manner, the person who managed the household and the out-of-household was my mom. Dad was just a perfect foil to the world.

“Finished homework? ” Why could they not get out of calling assignments as homework? I felt like I was a 5 year old chalk-eating, nose-picking, drooling-while-sleeping kid !

“Yes dad…er…almost”

“Finish it, but do it downstairs. “

“Okay”

“And Rishi, today your grandfather and your granduncle are going to drop in. Try to appear smart. That uncle is the registrar in the Goverment University and he has promised to clinch a seat for you in Computer Engineering. Don’t lose the chance.”

I paled. “Dad, Engineering….”

“Yes, of course we want our only son to be the man of our dreams right? Do engineering. It will place you above everything else. Everyone else”

Like maybe place me on top of, say, the university, and make me take the plumment down to commit suicide?

“Okay, dad”

He climbed down. So did I. My diary lay forcibly forgotten in the attic. Record books in hand, I sat down to write. My dreams lay scheduled to nights. I was already doing it. Turning into a mundane machine. The stuff of which engineers are made.

 

[ On the lines on Manoj. Manny, you gave me the lines in quotes, so I used it that way, to symbolize words, either written or spoken :) . Thanks, Manny ]

Published in:  on October 19, 2008 at 12:26 pm Comments (10)

Fabrics of Fantasy – II

I could hear the sound of guns firing.I was in the middle of a war…

“Stop it, Sammy! Don’t let that monstrous sound echo. It gets on to my nerves.” No effect. I shook my head to clear the hopeless feeling of war and stopped, and shook it again. After around a minute of that insane bulleting, it was switched off. I sighed. Bad idea of having to agreed to direct a film on the meaninglessness of a regional war. And even worse was the idea of signing up a totally disobedient first time assistant to manage things around. All that he managed was to successfully irritate and fire me up. Like now, by trying to sound edit and sound check the recorded firing noise, a day before the film was to commence, when I wanted to lean back against the artificial fountain that had no sane connection to the story, and signal the end of a hard day of supervision, and swear at the skies and whichever Gods inhabited it.

“Sorry Girish, wanted to make sure things were normal.” He was standing next to me, pulling near a chair and flopping himself down into it. I groaned, not without exaggeration. “Normal? Nothing around here is normal, with you getting all eager about something totally grovelling. Something that is going to be insignificant and a major box office flop. Sagar, the movie is going to be written off as on-the-spur rubbish by critics. Or on-the-spur violent rubbish,” I emphasised on his proper name to show that I hated calling him by the pseudo with which he was addressed by others.

He smiled wanly at me. “I guess you must be totally tired, with the planning and organizing. Don’t worry Giri, chill and relax. Things will go fine. Don’t get all pessimistic with the strain. Nerves, man, nerves.”

I forced a mock guffaw at him for having suggested that I was nervous and shortened my name, but accepted the refilled glass of beer. There was silence till I drank it down and then I turned to him, to find him grinning at me. He hardly drank, except at group gatherings and on occasional saturdays and that was another thing that I found irritating about him. Yes, and also the fact that he was somehow discernably more matured than me.

“It is all a fantasy idea, Sagar. Violence does attract masses but those are of the thriller genre. Not war. War represents whole communities and countries of sufferings that none want to be reminded about. It is not that brilliant an idea to shoot stories based on war.”

Sagar had stopped grinning long back. I watched with appreciation as his hands reached for the beer bottle and he took a long direct swig. I then checked my appreciation, he simply could not have the privelege of my approval on anything.

“Girish, The world is too small for any of us to ignore events that happen in our backyards. We can’t sit in India, relish freedom and liberty and sigh with pity on the Sri Lankans, tut-tut on their fate and carry on with our frisk bee-ing, can we?”

“Is the only solution to awaken people, the filming of the craziness? With artificial sets and locations? How do you think we can manage to convince people that we are shooting in Sri Lanka when all that we are doing is wasting precious precious money on those so-natural set ups? And of course, to think about those shots to be done in Sri Lanka, by the ocean….” I faded off, and then raged, suddenly flamed, “You think we all want to glorify ourselves for the daring at having braved living in that pain-riddled land till the completion of the filming, in the middle of that stupid war? Money, man, money. That is plainly why I am working on this. The money the producer suggested. Wonder why this craze on his part!”

The beer bottle in Sagar’s hand was now empty. But his eyes had taken on a shine. I was sure that it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

With some shock, I realised that there were tears in his eyes. I swallowed. “Sagar, boy, are you alright?”

I expected him to nod and do away with whatever he was emoting, but he shook his head with a “No, not alright.” I frowned, now I had a problem. I should have shut up along while ago, but it had been frustratingly irritating to have been involved in a project without a passion and anyway, now the damage was done.

“Sri Lanka is one of the most beautiful places on the earth, Giri. One of the most  beautiful and the most admired for its rich beauty. The whole encasement of the glorious lands by the seas, like it is a priced possesion to the earth. Endowed with the natural blessed bounties by the soil, sea and the sun. And the pride of its inhabitants. Lanka, with its history and beauty to match, the land by itself is an enigma to the world.”

After a long pause, he continued, ” I belong there. I was named after the expanses of the sea, that had fascinated my mother when she was yet a child. Still,my parents had been driven out of their home, on the order of not belonging there. I was born here, in India. I learnt about my homeland only from books and pictures, my parents never had the will power to talk about it for more than a few minutes without getting upset. It was my dream to go on there, like a child searching for the comfort of its mother.”

“And now, they are raping those virgin sands with all the blood shed from my kin. From the lonely, frightened hearts of the people of the land to which I belong to. From my people.” His voice was merely a whisper and it cracked as he finished.

“You call the media as the most powerful tool to invoke in people images of reality and illusion. What is then wrong in using it to portray the reality that is happening so near us? If that reality is something to be ashamed of and stay away from, haven’t we already lost the battle? Should we not be ashamed to call ourselves civilized and global players and turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the drum beats of death and the even-too-painful to mouth screams of wanting to live?”

It had come out in a wild rush from him. I had not been looking at him, my head bowed in extreme shame at humanity and its weird ways. Sensing this, he lowered his voice and reasoned gently, “Over all this, can we not arouse some care in people and make them at least whisper words of condemnation at what their neighbors are experiencing? I mean, should we turn mute too and exhibit the classic ‘my-neighbor-is-in-pain-and-I-am-celebrating syndrome?”

He lighted a cigarette and continued, “It will be the first time that I will set foot onto my land, and yes, I am savagely excited about it. If some of you people feel awkward about it and want to cancel out the shooting there, I would have to move on Giri. By no means am I going to stay back here, when my soul calls out to me, deepening my sense of guilt at leading a no worries life while….”

I had not been speaking for a long time. My mouth felt dry and I shook my head slowly. Strange images of India and suffering blended and I was slipping into the subconscious land of imagination, where my India replaced Lanka….

“Giri ?”

I flickered back to now. My eyes met his and there were strange,pure mutual tears in the two pairs of eyes holding each others gaze. “Not at all, Sagar. We will go on with this. With all the passion that we can put into to bring truth to fore. Infact, as the producer suggested, we might even try to shoot a major portion over there in Lanka…”

He shook his head in negation. “Not after these elaborate settings, man. We will finish with all the shots we planned here and then move on to Lanka for the remaining and wind up.”

I wanted to suddenly ask him to work with me further, after this project, but I felt that he would not be returning to India after the completion of the movie. It would mean a home and he was a man, who would rather be at home, than anywhere else, in Lanka.

I wanted to invite him home for dinner, but I did not. I got up, brushed,unnecessarily, my shirt and cleared my throat. ” Goodnight then, boy. See you early on tomorrow morning, don’t be late. ” Unnecessary addition again. He did not seem to have any ideas of leaving the sets for the night. I added again, “We will start on full swing tomorrow, boy, and finish it with vigour. And passion.” I added.

He nodded. At what, I did not know, for he seemed far away. I walked away then, leaving him gazing at those eternal stars and the evidences of history that they held.

It was going to be a long night, but I hoped dawn would break sooner, for me and for Lanka.

 

[On the lines of Vivek. Thanks Vivek.]

Published in:  on October 18, 2008 at 8:25 pm Comments (8)

Fabrics of Fantasy – I

The hour was late.Thunderclouds were passing over head.The air was heavy with humidity, just then a shrill voice filled the noiseless atmosphere…

I sighed. Just like my doggy to bring attention to himself  when all I wanted was to be solitary. The whine got on to my nerves. I wanted to go stare at him and shout back, order him to shut up. But, I was tired stiff in my bones. It would take me a great effort to try to get out of the recliner and walk around, and I was anyway fascinated by the cloud patterns to go over anywhere and miss the celestial catch-me-if-you-can.

I felt the wet lick on my hand. Just like him to also try and get me into a better mood when he sensed I was gloomy. “Keep down, Tiger. Lie down and gaze at the skies”. All he did was gaze at me. I tried to avoid those molten chocolate eyes and the emotion in them and instead concentrate on the stupidity of having named a raven black dog as Tiger. One of the lightening strikes of my brother. I sighed again. The clouds were shifting, gathering.

My mobile beeped. It was a call from God. No, nothing wayward about it, I had just worded that as a substitute for the name of my cousin. It stopped before I could answer. I did not bother calling back. It must be about the loan he had helped me get, and it was this reason because of which, in a moment of dry humor, I had christened him God. But like God, he kept reminding that he had extended a favor that I had to repay, and repay as and when he likened.

It was not going to rain, was it? I could enjoy a shower of those pure droplets of water, but not now. The clouds were anyway clearing.  I took up the letter next to me, up from the antique rosewood table against which my hand brushed and remained so for a time, and reread it. I could accept the offer, and trans-locate myself or I could stay back. Staying back meant slogging through life, a mere accountant with a pay not meaning much. Moving on meant accepting to be the finance head of a newly established concern at London, though a small enterprise, I was clever enough to see the potential and the latent scope for expansion.

It was easy to decide now, somehow with Tiger warming my feet with his head against it. It meant a lot to me, like the security that I would have got but had lost. Lost without any sane reason, just a wrongly timed whim of Fate. I chose to stay back.

I got up. At 30, it felt like I had lost my life, my verve, my smile. I motioned to Tiger to get up and come with me. He hesitated, knowing my sudden wish to go, to reach the place I had been reaching the past month. I waved a wrist at him and climbed down from the terrace. He made a sudden decision and followed, as dutifully as he had in the past.

Down the street and around the left. And down the long winding road to the county cemetery. And on to the grave of the man who had been a swift storm, a gentle breeze and a loving companion in my life. And then, he had departed with the gale of time. A very very short time. A friend, and so much more. I knelt down and stayed that way for a long time. After what seemed an eon, I started back home. It was raining by then, cold drops that warmed against my skin, that made me comfortable. A lonely girl and a faithful old dog, we walked on home, memories within, and the promise of comfort and life at the one town in the world that had been home through it all.

As I reached the house, I stopped. I saw someone at the gate. An old small woman. Standing at the other side and waving at me. A dog by her side, wrinkled and very old, but grinning. And controlling the urge to whine as she waved at me. They seemed ethereal. I shook my head.

I stopped again. There was no one there. Strange the way rain and thunder, night and nostalgia can make you see future, future as future would be. I nodded to Tiger. He understood and rubbed against my leg.

We will be safe, Tiger. Safe in the world of ourselves where I found love and lost it, and where you stayed on to be a friend. We will be safe.

[A story continued on the lines loaned by Vivek. Thanks Vivek. Hope it was not that disappointing. ]

Published in:  on October 17, 2008 at 7:36 pm Comments (19)

Fabrics of Fantasy

Fine, going to start a little fiction warp here. I would like people to put up a single line, that could potentially serve as the start of a story. I will try and spin imagination around the start lines.

Go on, give me leads.

Published in:  on October 16, 2008 at 7:24 pm Comments (7)

Peek into a dream

How perspectives change !

I was very convinced that it had to be a graduate study in Aeronautical Engineering that would lead me up to my dreams. Some time later, I discovered that I would most likely choose Astronautical over the former, as it was closer to my love for the science behind the study, rather than the technology behind it.

And before I realised, I have found that Mechanical Engineering is my calling, at the Masters level. A science degree in Mechanical Engineering. Why? Simply because I have always been a physics person. A child who was fascinated with the matter around me, the physical tangible mass as well as the ethereal science founding it. Chemistry never fascinated me, to me it was dry facts and suppositions, without any fun of imagination. Biology to me was all the more dry, who wants to delve deeper into the anatomy when all that matters are means of getting out mentally and exploring.

I was crazy about Physics. I still am. Life to me began on a very imaginative and curious note, with fascinations with the stars, the sky and the space. I was strangely attracted to light, and the absence of it. Sound and its science was not on the top list of interests. As I grew, I learnt more about Chaos and Plasma, Quantum and Classical, Optics and Motion, Nano and what not. I knew since long that all I wanted was to be a complete physics person. A scientist, like those with that constant queer look, absentminded eccentricities, a telescope in front of me, papers all around, books and more books, a look of scholarly intelligence and genius, and a simply brilliant mind.

Kiddish? Maybe not at all.

Practicalities took over, still. A science degree in Physics slipped out of scope after huge discussions and tantrums at home. I was advised to take on something more stable, with more promises. I took on Mechanical Engineering, because of its closeness to Physics. Electricals had never held my interest, biology and life sciences was safer stayed away from. Though I was a Computer sciences person at junior college, I had found in those 2 years that it did not have much to interest me with. Like my dad says, computers are tools to aid, not domains. And well, I knew I could catch up and learn them when I had to. Basic sense and logic was sufficient. My fascinations were elsewhere.

Again, sometimes, I miss the feel that Physics could have shared with me, speaking of it this way brings it closer to the heart. It was so enticing, but just so out of reach. It is a regret that may live on within me, but something that has been subdued due to partial compensation by my choice of undergraduate studies.

A degree in Physics could have led me on to Astronomy. And a second major in quantum. Optics too would have still held interest. Of course they still do, but the walk is going to be through a different lane. I am convinced now that even Astronautics is not going to quench that thirst for science. It is going to have to be Mechanical, with specialisation in Thermal, propulsion and energy studies.

When I move on, I believe that I will catch up onto what I missed.

Till then, my prayers are that dreams, if not all, the most important at least, should materialise.

Published in:  on October 15, 2008 at 12:45 pm Comments (5)

Just bored again

Somehow, the feel of the weather has caught onto me. I go mellow during monsoon. This is just the onset of the rains, and may pretty well be the curtaining too, considering it is Chennai (though I pray not). But today is dull dull dull. And has aroused some pretty strange feelings in me. I feel very… hmm… gloomy about life. Not mine, but of some others around me.

So many people lying around, taking shelter within makeshift tents on the roads. How can we pass by them, and not be struck by the way they cringe around each other trying to escape the holes in the fabric? So many kids playing in the slush… what promise of the future do they hold? What promise do any of us hold?

I came across some affecting news this month… A junior from school, who had succumbed to a brief illness due to delayed treatment. A unknown girl, at the other end of the country, who had taken her life, because her boyfriend ditched her. Is the value of a life going to be determined by others? Disturbing, but it happens.

I am upset with the world, my world as I see it. Something very harrowing has settled in. My mind seems possessed. Like I told a friend, I feel frustrated and foolish. 21 years of no big deal in a mundane melancholy life. 21 years of no major change in anything around me. 21 years of watching the world through gray and faded lens.

Hey someone, have something rose and tinted with you? Better if its a pair of glasses or lens. Would like to try them on.

Published in:  on October 13, 2008 at 8:57 pm Comments (4)

Yeah right, Moving on…

Came across a newspaper article today. A round up survey conducted on the female species between ages 20 and 60 in Chennai on their preferred attire for Deepavali. I do not yet know whether I should be guffawing, rolling on floor laughing or sitting stricken, sadly contemplating the screen. I chose to choose the last inevitable option – blog on it. Since it was inevitable, there was actually no choosing that was done anyway.

The ‘ladies’ in all the true sense, you know those ‘drumstick-and-wafer-thin “girls” and the plump-pumpkinny “girls”, all of them preferred “traditional” attire on this festival. You call a saree traditional? I mean has Chennai, stressing again, Chennai become that cosmopolitan-metropolitan-whateverpolitan that it feels like sarees are ancient, yet traditional dresses, while the usual wear became skirts-pajamas-capris? Say that about any other place, but Chennai !?

I have always been living under this impression that I was close to heart at being dravidian-aryan-Indian as I was comfortably cushioned in Chennai, the capital of the “Temple State” of one of the most ancient and culturally most advanced nations in the world, and here comes the poke rite in my butt. Ok, maybe not butt, but surely where it hurts.

And to add intensity, the “girls” ( I can’t get over that, girls at 60 and talking about clothes for their 80 year old parents, again them being girls and boys, I guess ) could not wait to tell those who would be stupid enough (yeah, like me) to read, about all the heavy accessories that they can’t wait to wear. Heavy? Maybe made of granite, limestone, iron and carborundum. Am bemused, can’t get that many heavy stuff into my mind to suggest. Guess, I will leave that to the commentators.

Forget even the traditional crap, but can’t you get something intelligent to say about the most widely celebrated Hindu festival in India? How about vowing to keep off crackers, or at least crack less. After all, all they do is add to the pollution, frighten street dogs and scare motorists. How about vowing to eat less on that day. Come on people, how many kinds of sweets can you all eat on that one day? And come off that shopping-shopping-!@!#$ attitude.

For a change, give something this Deepavali, than take. Share. Smile and yeah, sleep. Even with all that noise, sleep and dream. Dream of bursting crackers, stuffing yourselves with sweets and what not, dressing up, dressing down, whatever. Just dream, don’t do it.

Know what, I just thought about the post-last option to my reaction on reading that article. I should not have bothered my already muddled mind about it. I should have moved on. What’s my problem anyways, right?

Moving on.

Published in:  on October 11, 2008 at 6:54 pm Comments (2)

Astrology, as I see it

There is always something fascinating with astrology. Life is dynamic and fun and also, as it is believed, life can proceed the way you want it to. Its hard work and all energy, but still, that energy can be channelized in the most positive way. That is what is astrology.

Accordingly, astrology is a lot of things. To the uninterested, it is crap. To the superficially interested, it is predicting life, to the conformist, it is a science that delves into karma, life, death, reincarnation… and a lot more on the soul level.

To me, astrology is exciting. Just like magic is to some. Astrology and the art of magic is actually much more related than we care to note. Magic in astrology is the manifestation of miracles. And miracles are brought in from the ethereal to the real by faith. Not necessarily faith in any deity. In essence, it can lead to complete mis-interpretation of the concept of faith. Astrology and ‘miraclization’ denote faith in the Self. In the complete wisdom and knowledge of the Self, through the lesser self. Puzzling, but Self here calls to each one’s personal Higher Self, existing on a different level of consciousness, called the Supraconscious. It is akin to the concept of Godmothers, only truth being that your ‘godmother’ is your own higher conscience.

Palmistry, Numerology, Zodiac, and what not, manifest as tools to uncover some facts about the way you are fashioned. I personally am interested in just the three mentioned above, in exact reverse order.

Somehow, I just cannot take in that there can be much truth in periodic predictions. Heard of daily and monthly predictions? I mean those. They are sometimes such absolute crap that I feel they are making savage the whole realm of the ‘looking into the unknown’.

This may present a small intro to what I would like to share with people out there, who might be interested in this “happy science” (as Linda called it). Even the critics, I would like to look into your arguments and reasonings too.

Meet on later sometime, with a post on the Science and Signs of the Zodiac.

Keep Star Gazing.

Published in:  on October 3, 2008 at 7:36 pm Comments (3)

I AM Perfectly Sane

Weirdos. Am surrounded by weirdos. One who keeps dancing around at formal gatherings, embarrassing everyone around, still appearing endearing. One who keeps fighting with me simply because he and me cannot see eye to eye on HIS mistakes. One who goes off on a pretty long tour, without calling me up, leaving me with messages and missed calls. One who is pissed with me because I did not attend her college symposium. One who is angry with me, or appears to be so, because she is not given ‘due’ attention at college meetings. One who likes reminding me that I am retarded. One who enjoys doing everything that will make me see magenta, red and crimson. One who exists, and hence is a weirdo.

Why are there no sane, perfectly normal, smiling, laughing, sleeping, waking, eating – maybe even gorging, grinning, weeping, and doing everything else other than what I am being done to – people on this side of Earth? Why are there these crazy weirdos with me? I know, you might remind me that as a person is, so are their friends, but I am sane. I am normal. I am – er – almost normal.

Hey crazies, now don’t start tantrums because I blogged about you. Smile cause I did not mention names. Or comment if you would like me to.

Published in:  on September 28, 2008 at 10:09 am Comments (7)

Nothing sanguine about this

Just switched the theme of the blog. They call it rustic, old fashioned and dignified. Kind of matches with how I feel tonight. Rusted, ancient and dying.

I got it good from a lot of people. Had donated blood yesterday, and though did not faint immediately afterward, I came home and collapsed. Word spread and people started commenting, asking me why I had “acted” stupid.

What is stupid about donating blood? Er, I know, I am anemic and should not have done, but well, the density test for my hemoglobin was supposedly satisfactory. Maybe the doctors did not bother much. The normal hemoglobin levels for blood donation is to be 12.5 gm and above. A year ago, mine was at 9.3 and I was firmly asked to get myself out of the donating hall. I remember hell breaking loose at home that time, with people trying to stuff me with “iron rich” foods. The only things that they spared seemed to be the window grills and injections, the latter simply because I refused to have anything to do with big mean syringes. Anyways, this year, they did not have the “machine” for checking the levels. They had this solution ( don’t ask me what, anything medical and pharmaceutical, I don’t bother learning ) in which they dropped a blot of blood ( sounds yuck, I know ) and if the blood drop sank within, you could donate. If it floated, you were not supposed to. And mine did neither. It dispersed in the solution. Naturally the doc there was puzzled and she nodded off a “fit for donating” signal.

Again hell broke loose back home and everyone freaked, but I thought that I could enjoy it now. I could be in bed, I could have people attending to me, I could BUNK college, I could glance at that small micro pore band aid on my hand and wrinkle my face in pain, and a lot more.

But, I feel seriously ill, drained of energy. Had been jumping a lot around the city the past week, and combined with the loss of a lot of blood, I guess my system went for a spin. And found it could not stabilize. Now, sadly, I am to start getting injected with iron, for my anemic disposition.
I feel sicker at this news. Could not weed my way out, and had to sadly settle for the deal. Meanwhile, I am happy I am not hospitalized with my migraines. Did I not tell you, I am under siege since early morning.

Now, if you feel healthy after reading through my misery, you are heartless. You aren’t a friend. Just reminded me, I feel a small ache in my heart too…

Published in:  on September 27, 2008 at 11:23 pm Comments (3)

Love ?

How much can you allow a person to take over your life?

How can you stand miles away from yourself and watch a person run your days? How can you meekly submit and smile as a dominating tyrannical ass claims that it can steer your life better than you? How can such nonsense logic appeal to you, for, even if you make mistakes when you handle your life, at least the mistakes would have been yours.

How the hell can you even imagine a stink-scenario such as the one I mentioned above? That is, how can people who are established individuals, who sing with the wind, dance with the waves and stamp in marsh as they wish, imagine anything like that?

And here, I stop. I will not talk about masochist beings, who enjoy been whipped with words, stung with stares, muted by commands and what not…. by the asses that I drafted. For, they need not imagine these, they live such lives.

I know a girl. A friend. Lets call her Ms.Beautiful-Z.

Ms.Beautiful-Z met a boy. Lets call him Mr.AH (for Arse-Hole).

Mr.AH claimed he loved Ms.Beautiful-Z and that he could give heart-life-soul for her. And Ms.Beautiful-Z gave something in return. Her brains. That defines our problem.

So, hence Ms.Beautiful-Z became Ms.Brainless-Z. She was convinced she has not changed much because she still remains Ms.BZ. While, around her, all of us enlightened mortals, who called her by her first name, realized the morph.

In a single day, he caught hold of the reins of her life. In a week, he dictated terms as to what she should do with it. In a month, her existence reduced to slavish affectations. Today, she is a pathetic excuse of “love” that she supposes to be loyal, equal, fulfilling, hot, passionate!, etc…

We can sense him to be a blackmailing rogue out to get the most out of this relationship, with his constant whines that she takes as commands. Which man whines commands? And which woman recognizes whines as words-of-wisdom? To my surprise, many do.

Love is something that has not be defined adequately. It can maybe never be. It conceals itself as care, trust, affection, empathy, maturity, stability and love itself. So, you see, it is in infinite iteration.

Any relationship where “adjustments” are to be made by one sacrificing individual is a mockery of the romanticism of love.

I decided recently, that to show Ms.Brainless-Z that Mr.AH is a AH is completely in vain. Why take all the pain to drive truth into the brain of a person when you know it ain’t there. Let time reveal.

And to all others, before you jump into relationships, ask yourself if you want it. If it is going to change anything for the better in your life, if you are learning anything from it. If you will forever like the person, whatever maybe the relation. Constant positiveness is impossible, but the negatives should be bearable.

But, once you have decided to yield the hold you have over yourself to a stranger, forget all that I have written here. Carry on with your slave-attitude. Someday, you may die a slave. Someday you may rebel.

Whatever it is, precaution has always been better than cure, and hence, when you come out of it, you would have been battered beyond standard yet hopefully wiser.

Maybe you needed that in this life.

Published in:  on September 20, 2008 at 1:44 pm Comments (9)

Steamed!

Picking a university.

Never went through anything as colossal or as nerve tensing as this. My lists seem to change every hour as I find myself wreaked by a hundred and odd facts and worries.

The standing of the university in general. Ranking of its Mechanical Engineering Graduate course. Financial aid (have to make that bold and double underline and in capitals). Admission due dates.

I seem to be roaming around looking a lot more stupid than I used to look. I suddenly even smile at complete strangers and frown at friends. Wonder what passes through my feeble excuse of a brain, but I simply cannot fathom the worry that I seem to be carrying.

People who I know, supposed-friends, who have not yet got a job, or in all frankness, have very little idea of their future, murmur words of supposed-envy when we meet. They tell me that I shouldn’t be as much worried as they, because I have a job and also, my MS dreams seem fulfilled. Pathetic creatures. I would like to remind them that I am yet to receive the call letter (which is becoming a big pain in India right now, with companies not issuing call letters till a few years later) and also, having taken up the GRE on the way to MS does not mean that I have the actual “We are extremely happy to inform you that you have been admitted into…..” letter in my hand.

So, back to the complaints. Why should making a career choice and study option be so energy-sapping. I always had dreams that once I get through the GRE, I must actually be laughing my way through the rest of the application process. Laughing? Naive would not suffice to describe me.

And then come the people. Everybody I come across has an opinion of their own. People who don’t understand graduation, or Mechanical Engineering. People who ask me to work and marry and settle(!). Settle for what? A mousy life with an unnamed spouse and dirty kids? Sheesh! Whoever fathomed such ’settlements’ for life must have been a sadist, as evil as they go.

Others, the most irritating kind, are the ones who know what I am worrying about, understand it completely, and yet smile smug smiles telling me that education does not necessarily mean earning degrees. It means to them ‘wholesome learning from the practicalities of life’. Hmm, talking about practicalities to me? And what exactly do they mean by wholesome? Like learning that you should slog at a mere 20 thousand salary for the first few and the most important years of your life, and then die of heart attacks before you reach 35? Like learning with a sickness in your stomach that you would rather be researching on ‘end of the world experiment ideas’ than wash drool from baby bibs and change mucky diapers, even as you wash drool and change a diaper?

In a word, I deem such ‘practical, wholesome ideas of life’ of leading my life, from stupid, mediocre, interfering bullshits as just that. Bullshit.

(I do fathom here that the past couple of posts of mine contain some rather strong language, but I consider this as my literary coming-of-age.)

Back again. Fantastic people around me. They even try and ‘advice’ my parents against letting their daughter grow with ‘too much freedom’ as she could be hurt. When ever did freedom hurt?? The only saving grace is that my parents put up gracious smiles before telling them that if ever anything else of more relevance to them pops up, they will definitely be asked for an opinion. Yeah, I guess I adore my folks for that. For every ounce of the wish for complete independence that they have instilled and nurtured in me.

And as for the few others who do really try to placate my fears, I will write about them in a follow up post. Now that it is out of my system, I feel maybe I can after all try laughing as I hunt universities. Yeah, moving on to my list now…..

Published in:  on September 9, 2008 at 2:27 pm Comments (8)

Get your asses moving

Why am I even bothering to try and keep this blog updated? Won’t it someday go the same unnoticed way that my other 3 (!) blogs went? Won’t I out of frustration, some morning try and delete this peek-into-my-life?

I just do not understand why it is so important to this world if Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan fight their duffed heads out. Why is it that interesting to get to know if Aamir still smokes? Or maybe if Padmalakshmi is married or single? Who cares if Paris Hilton is jailed, or Obama scoffed at?

Why care at all if your next door bachelor-neighbor has a new girl friend each day? Or if the girl across the street is a nymphomaniac? Or if the lady who lives a floor below you is prone to hysteria?

Wake up people and go live your dreams. Petty silliness and stupid pig headed actions are not going to get you anywhere, if not the totally crazed up wrong way. Fight for your dreams with yourselves. What matters if you are 15 or 95? You have a dream and a purpose, and not sounding philosophical, I guess it is right that you have to carve your big dreams out for yourself and not expect someone else out there to do the chiseling for you. Get a hold and move on.

Don’t give a damn about anything else other than your destinies. And the people who will get affected by you actions. Show enough humanity, but don’t overdo it. You may just risk getting your hearts shredded.

Post Note : I completely am not sorry about the fashion in which this post turned out. If you have a problem with it, to hell with you.

Published in:  on September 7, 2008 at 10:40 pm Leave a Comment

Maybe too soon

It was yesterday that I found myself startled at what I was thinking. Of course, it happens often that I find myself startled at what I am thinking, but yesterday was different. I realized that soon, someday I am going to actually miss the one fact that I loathe in life now…. college.

Its a bit irritating, to think that probably all those “I don’t care a @%^& about this rat-hole” statements may soon become very subdued, and mouthed in low voices that do not actually mean as much as they should. Its good ‘upgrading’ in life. But, at every end-beginning scenario, there seems to be the threat of nostalgia.

The national workshop was okay. I did not as much attend it as I should have, I was running around for the simple sake that I did not want to be stuck in there. So I guess, it was okay. There was the major pre-workshop stuff that we had been arranging for what seems like 3 weeks and still at the end of it, I felt there was a lot more missed. Blame it on …..

There was Aparna, Ranjani, Pari, Daniel and others with me. Hey, I realized that I am going to miss this crowd really really soon. It was not a great place to have met you people ( translated-college ) but you were great people to have met anyway.

Placement office mokkais, Aparna-Pari kadalais, supposedly important student council meetings, Sudha and her heeled slippers, the “real-short lunch hours”, the mess crowd and our special table, Aparna-Aishwaya tiffs ( I always found those silly ), robot-designing sessions ( those are still a big laugh ), planning for culturals, writing stupid poems in class, silly bickerings…. ( I guess most of us never grew up after schooling got done ).

Now, a month to go and then the projects.

And after that, maybe nostalgia, the way school life has come to be.

Still, there is a month of fun to go, and I don’t want to rush through it. Maybe I can plan more meets and less class hours :) .

Published in:  on August 31, 2008 at 8:16 am Comments (4)

Today

Was not a very dramatic day. An ordinary one. And I am writing this stuff because I promised myself that I would not let this blog vanish into the mist of forgotten old rubbish. It would rather be just written, crisp, yet mundane rubbish.

I really did not want to go to college today. Actually, I never want to go to college. Approaching the fag end of my undergrad years, I actually wish for a lot more spice. Not bland days that reek of formality. I try my maximum to disappear from classes whenever I can, but always get stuck later with the explaining OD sessions. Looks like too many people want me to be at too many places at a time, with the result that I end up strolling up the walkways and down the walkways in a dazed state of why-the-hell-am-I-just-walking?

Still, there was me, handing out chocolates for my supposedly great GRE score (this is common in a college that is starved of achievers or whatever adjective you would choose to grant people like me). And there I was, getting my medical leave certificate approved. Now, that was an easy job, considering I had good news and sweets, the staff were quite willing to sign anywhere.

I found myself laughing over a small anecdote that Deepika shared. Well, she is a peer, who looks cute and acts cute and keeps smiling. She had lost her glasses on a class tour, and had followed a group of students who were from another college into their bus. Simply because she could not see what was a metre away from her, and because she heard them speak tamizh. It was so funny then, now,I really fail to see much reason to overdo any smile that might arise. Might have been the cute, gushed whisper that she related the incident in, that added to the drama.

Aparna was, as ever with me, and we collected money from Pari for that Art of Living thing of hers. Pari always seems to be handing over money, where it concerns Aparna; but anybody else has to shell out either money or a treat to him, as he strides about demanding. Now, Pari, if you are reading this, don’t comment saying I owe you 8 munches and 3 treats at Cafe Coffee Day. I remember, and well… maybe some day when I start earning. You know, dignity of earning money and satisfaction at treating friends with it and all that stuff. Reason more if you want to. Till then, drop in any day to have lunch at home.

Back in class, I had 5 consecutive free periods ( that is 45 minutes each, which makes that 3 hours and 45 minutes ) and I started and finished ‘One night at the call centre’ by Chetan Bhagat. So, Mr. Bhagat, it wasn’t an exactly great book, and I stifled innumerable yawns through it. Considering my insomnia for the past couple of days, I guess I can’t completely blame you, yet don’t you feel that the book was grossly simple? I mean, even I could have written stuff that quotidian, and I guess that is a bad insult to it.

Back home, I was in serious contemplation as to what would be my worthwhile next task and as I blog, I guess I will have to university-search again for a few friends, so a wave and bye.

Published in:  on August 18, 2008 at 7:28 pm Comments (1)

A cloud, and then a dream

How would it feel to live among the clouds?

Like float all day. Like look down and yawn at the grub and grime of the world. Like stay asleep among tons of compressed flowery mist, wake to the pure bright rays of a nude sun. Like live. Like dream on.

I have had a strange desire for years. Actually since when, I don’t exactly recall, but its into a farther time than any number I can quote.
There is a moonbeam, only, it isn’t a moonbeam. It is a starbeam, maybe even a strange walkway to a far away, yet close to the heart galaxy. Its multicolored. That will suffice, than it resembling the rainbow or any other set pattern. It is a kaleidoscope, one that is studded with crystals, just the way I like the light to get scattered and hit.
There is someone beside me. A someone whom I can describe. Tall, not exactly dark, very handsome. But does that matter as much as that string of discerning conscious familiarity? Of knowing? Of seeming to have shared eons of springs, summers, autumns and winters? Anyway, a someone who holds my hand. Like a friend. A friend who is yet more. And yet forever. And we walk down the ray of scattered brilliant light. Smiling, as though this walk was what each of us ever desired since the eons that have passed.

And yet, as that walk hasn’t yet materialized, I can be given to dreaming about living on the clouds. Watching dreary people drag their days out of the mindless sense of the multiverse. Watching someone somewhere, unaware of impending journeys, waking, existing, sleeping. And playing computer games.

Published in:  on July 20, 2008 at 11:14 pm Comments (2)

Down the Highway of the Past

Talk about memories!

So much to say… And yet, no words ever form. I can only just smile as I gaze at all those papers, my eyes getting all glazed, a thousand memories flooding back, breaking all possible barriers. Time is after all transient. May be time does not exist. Like Einstein said, time is past, present and future. May be it is all one fluid point, where we keep flowing around, but reaching nowhere in particular, starting from no where with destinations all blended and separating, yet non existent.

I was sitting in the middle of heaps of exam papers, questionnaires, letters from friends, slam book sheets that were in the same visual state as of tattered bus tickets, merit cards, report cards (!), loose sheets from notes and texts, not to mention the little hillock of note and text books that were occupying the 4 corners of what is supposed to actually be my room at home.

I was cleaning it up. Bad idea. But it occurred to me as impossible only after I pulled down the whole mess that was dormant inside the cupboards, down onto the floor. And found that the only way I could get out of the room was by clearing at least part of the heap around me. I had to reach the door after all.

And so, there were tons of paper, stationery, confetti from ages ago, broken pencil boxes, rubber that had worn out and stuck all over, old calculators… (I had a whole collection of them, small ones, big ones, scientific, normal…), key chains (This, I pounced on in glee… I love collecting key chains ), old locks, keys, wires (!), and money. The money was like lying around everywhere… coins, notes, even 20 paise and 10 paise ones…. , old bags, new ones, and ones I never remembered possessing. I was struck by awe. Believe me, I really did not imagine that so much stuff was actually there inside those meek cupboards. Even fireworks, 100 walas and mathaapu…. and a single lone bijili vedi.

Funny. I came across chalks, whisked away from school. There were apology notes, most of which were “I had headache/stomach ache/gone to relatives house…… yesterday and hence wasn’t able to attend class” letters to Srimathi ma’am. Seriously, I seemed to have one for each day ever that I had attended her classes. I don’t remember much of ever learning what was supposed to be learned there… mostly I would have been absent, or engaged in more serious time passes (:P), or plain asleep at some back bench at those ungodly hours.

And two mounds began to form around me. One, of the things that I was planning to throw away, and the other, of the ones I wanted to retain. It did not take me long to figure out that the latter was mounting in megalithic proportions. That was when mom entered. With hardly a care for my whines and winces, she threw out what she saw fit. I mean literally threw them into a bag and out the house.

I did manage to sneak out a few “very valuable” things… But I just can’t seem to guarantee them much scope for sustaining within my cupboards. Simply because mom said she isn’t going to trust me further with cleaning stuff. I seemed to her rather puerile, rather I-won’t-part-with-my-stuff kid.

Anyways… it left me wandering through the past, and as they say, now that its past, it seemed a very nostalgic and wonderful place to be in.

The garbage still isn’t cleared, in my mind.

Published in:  on July 13, 2008 at 11:04 pm Comments (1)

The Mad Rush to get to NOWHERE

Its very frustrating to hear people cry over the phone. I mean literally weep, sob. I try my best to keep listening, sometimes all I want to do is cut the call. But you see, they have already been in enough trauma, and a trusted friend not pitching in to listen to their woes would put them in their coffins.

True. Yesterday was meant to be a day of all-sleep, little work for me. It went fine till the afternoon. I slept, worked, ate, slept, read, worked, … and then the phone calls started. And so did my headache.

You see ( am I repeating the phrase ?), it was because, yesterday was the D-Day for my friends, who were appearing for the Infosys selection procedure…. what we call as campus recruitment. I was supposed to be there too, sweating my way through to the college, sporting worried eyes, ( more like dark circled, anemic, nauseated, swollen…. face ), frowning, writing the aptitude with my hands shivering, waiting for the results with not just bated breath, but with the very soul drawn in and tortured with the idea of not getting through……… and attending interviews, staring into space, looking like I just escaped the black plague… and developing a full blown migraine at the end of the day (something that comes easily to me ).

So, naturally, I decided to bunk the experience. It was not worth it. Am completely not interested in software, did not want to throw away my dreams and become a worthless software engineer. ( All you computer scientists out there, please don’t take offense at that, I mentioned worthless because I know am seriously useless at computers. I can write up some pretty good algorithms, yes and can even code when needed, but with computers I become bored before beginning, that I would rather not ).

Whew. So here is my point. Am a mechanical graduate. Why should I rush into a domain that has absolutely no kinship whatsoever with my area of interest? Why should I rush into a job for the singular reason that I may like to earn what it offers? Sometimes, thinking back, I am confident that if ever I land in a situation of not ever finding a job, I can very well make my career out by becoming a professor at any obscure engineering college. Or become a English teacher (!) anywhere, because I love the language. Pathetic options when what I want to do is so much out of the usual. But still, realistic options that I can fall back on any day. If the fall should occur.

So why the hell then are my fellow “core-subject” engineers falling into a massive mental retrograde where they consider any job option as wonderful, as long as they get their hands onto a job, get a hold, and grip it tight as though their very lives were hanging onto the few-thousand-rupees-per-month that was offered.

I don’t have much to say about those who got placed yesterday, who are into a stream different from the computer sciences. I just hope that they know what they are placing themselves in for, because some day, if ever they happen to wake up one fine night, ( nightmares occur then ), and find that they have wasted, say, half a life, then they may find that the way back to change things is just so out of reach… just so lost.
Good Luck, you guys.

But the others, those who called me up to cry their pitiful hearts out, because they were ousted from the procedure, I do have something to tell you.
Do you really want a career in your lifetime that pays you what you think will keep you satisfied? Do you want to just earn and not wonder or worry about whether you are doing the thing that makes you happy? Aren’t there better dreams for each of you? At least one dream each?
Because if there isn’t, break here and exit, (computer science style).
If there seems to be something, continue.

It is better that you “lost” it. You have been given a chance to think it all over. And convince yourselves that this is what you want. Or, there is something else.
There is always something else.
In life, as you pause to contemplate if what you are doing is right, then you will find your answers change. It always does.

Because thousand others do it, you don’t need to. Remember, the majority are always fools. Period. No second thoughts on that. It is pure, self-contained wisdom. You are an individual, born to walk this Earth, and to fly these skies. You can choose to crawl, you can chose to run. It is your choice, only yours.

I may not be telling you all this over the phone, sadly because tariff rates are considerable. But I have told you here, and it depends on whether you realize, reform or retreat and rewrite those tests, because you chose to.

Whatever, remember, life isn’t a big rush. Because, in my perspective, such mad rushes to get placed and get jobs and earn… slog… earn…. are ironically, mad rushes to actually get nowhere. Because you get in, get trapped, stagnate and suffocate, if you aren’t meant for it.

Meditate on these lines.

Sometimes, dreaming about the stars, and trying to let go of all holds, flying high high up above, without parachutes, without trails to the ground, reaching for the wonder of skies above, just because you found the twinkle of the stars fascinating, can be just what gives meaning to your lives. When you imagine such wonder,’Alice in Wonderland’ and ‘Peter-Pan’nish style, anything else will seem…. well…. will seem non-exist able.

And getting this advice from a ‘all-grounded’, ‘totally down to Earth’, seemingly ‘afraid to let go of terra-firma and soar’ Capricorn like me, has more value than possible. :)

Flying can be exhilarating. And flying without destinations, making them along the way is what makes a life.

P.S. One more thing. Next time one of you decide to get placed, and don’t make it completely, please don’t call me and cry. I just can’t stand that anymore. And it gives me huge migraines. If I cut the calls then, head in here again and go through whatever I would have wanted to tell you anyway. ( Like infinite loops ).

Published in:  on July 1, 2008 at 9:37 am Comments (6)

Neo – Nonsenses

Agonizing Amateurs

Ballistic Breakdancers

Careful Caravaners

Dainty Damsels – Dirty Damsels ? :P

Enigmatic Engine-drivers

Fatalistic Followers

Gory Gardeners

Handsome Haunters

Indisciplined Innocents

Juggling Judges

Kinky Knights

Languishing Lawyers (!!)

Married Monks

Nestled Nuns

Odorous Onions

Pitiful Puns

Questioning Queens

Random Rubbish

Sour Stuffings

Twinkling Tremendum

Uneducated Users

Vindictive Vixens

Wincing Warts

Xenophobic Xanthippe

Young Yeanlings

Zappy Zambra

( Weaving my Way towards Language-Play Literary Accolades – in a rather crazily cantankerous, funny fashion )

Published in:  on June 24, 2008 at 11:00 pm Comments (4)

Anger and the Zodiac

How much does it take to keep your temper in control at times? It takes a lot, especially for me. I was wondering today, about why is it that different people react differently to the same kind of situations. I mean, you see a person getting ill treated, you see a person acting insanely stupid, you hear some tell you a very convincing lie, someone somewhere breaks rules ( I have nothing against breaking rules, I do it almost always, but sometimes, when you really really get frustrated? and of course when you are in the right and been following the stupid rules all the stupid while and some ass comes up and walks away with what is stupidly, rightfully yours? ), I mean, how do you react?

I go wild. I know a lot of people who do. But there are others who suffuse the anger momentarily, and go about smiling their way through the situation. I frown. I scorn. I use a lot of sarcasm as stings. And of course, silence.

But complete denial of anger? And some of that smiles. How can people have all the pent up negative anger within them? Isn’t it easier to yell or fight or question, in the heat of the minute and then forget it? Even a few punches if necessary.

It is exciting. This spurred me to consider the behaviors of the 12 different zodiac signs at moments of extreme passion. Especially negative passion. Well, when we see such different reactions, don’t we after all, say, “It’s his/her character.” ?

And as ever taking the cue from Linda Goodman,

Aries : Spitfires. Completely explosive tempers. Words that scar. And well, after the moment, you can be assured that they aren’t going to remember the words they used, and may even forget that such a quarrel occurred. It is better to remain silent till they cool off. But a word to the wise, Aries Ice is worse then Aries Fire, so it better they shout instead of shut up.

Taurus : Rage. And immense silence that can build and cast huge shadows over the place. It starts with a stiffening of the face, the eyebrows in particular. And then a narrowing of the eyes. Silence follows. And then they back off. But, just as the opponent gets cozy, they charge. See a bull fight if you want the evidence. And remember that a Taurus, any Taurus, male or female, is a bull at heart. And red colors are, pitifully, in plenty around this world.

Gemini : Seriously, I still don’t know how these people react. Its confusing, because almost everything about them is confusing. They may shout, keep silent, laugh or cry. It depends on them. With a Gemini, it doesn’t matter. They may take casual comments personally, but they will forget it within a few minutes. Hours in some cases. No hurt is permanent, partly because to them, everything is transient, even people, and there is always something better to do than brood.

Leo : Royal anger. A anger of righteousness. It is their birthright, did you not know? Not just the anger, but everything. They are the Kings, the Queens. Even the tiny infant Leos. A growl, and then a roar. It typically goes that way. Specially the Queens. The female of this zodiac sign is prone to senseless anger at times. They can completely delete people out of their lives. Of course, the heart is always warm. There will be reconciliations, but they will be few and far in between. Anger a Leo more than normal, and you will find that you just lost the company of royal blood. Hurt not their egos and you can always be a minister at their royal court. But never more than that.

Cancer : Cry babies. They weep when in pain, when happy, when sad and when angry. Even when in love. That just defines it all. But Cancers can be wonderfully sensitive companions. Except when they are hurt. They retreat into their hard shell that is so characteristic of them. They frown, mumble, cry. Then they keep quiet. Some more of whatever is bothering them, and they hide away. It can take many sunshines to bring them out onto the golden sands of liveliness. But sometimes, it can take just a full moon night. They get all loony and warm and cuddle-able. And more prone to enjoy provocations then any time else.

Virgo : They get angry by the rules. They may be badly hurt, but then who has the time to waste with squabbling and making up, when you are a walking talking alarm clock? They have brains that come with a clock ticker. It goes tick-a-tock every single moment that they fear they are wasting. Emotions can be bundled off, can’t they? How do you survive when you keep people entertained with your emotions? But, the most important point is, like I said, emotions are bundled up. They are not completely forgotten. They are tied up safely, of course as per the rules, and sacked into the heart. And the mind, and left to cause them those ulcers that Virgo’s are very very famous for. They literally swallow hurt, ego, anger. But digest it, they cannot. And so the stomach related disorders. With a Virgo, a kind word, and non-criticism can go a long way. After all, they are their worst critics.

Libra : Its fair. Completely. How can they do something that isn’t fair? When you analyze the situation, from their point of view, you will realize that they are fair. Wait. What other way is there to analyze it from? Well, their opponent may have a point. And maybe they are fair too. Isn’t it worth arguing for? Heard of Newton’s laws of Relativity? Its relative. There are two ways of looking at the situation and a right and a wrong. Make that two rights and two wrongs. But isn’t that a woefully small number? Aren’t there observers? What about their sense of right and wrong? Shouldn’t you think from their shoes, sandals, pumps, boots, whatever? Even from their booties. After all, don’t babies have the right to be fair? And considering Newton, why not Murphy’s Laws? When Newton, why not Murphy? What would be his sense of right? Chaos? Wasn’t chaos the very beginning? And the end? When you look at chaos from a chaotic point of view, don’t you feel grateful that we all happened, quarrels and all? But of course, when you look at it from the other sense…….
( Word of caution : When you argue with a Libra, remember there are 3 ways you can turn out to become 1.Insane 2.Bonked 3.Unconscious. Go ahead, take the chance, after all isn’t everything fair in love, war and when arguing with a Libra? )

Scorpio : A single line to suffice. Flee the place, than get into anything infinitesimally resembling a squibble with a Scorp. Else, you will regret.
Maybe forever.
Pluto anger has nil boundaries. It isn’t that easily displayed, and sometimes, you are lucky if you can have a glimpse of it. After all haven’t you succeeded in breaking that all gloss, no turbulence exterior by creating ripples? But as you congratulate yourself, better keep yarding off at a fast pace. An appreciable fast pace. ( You can discern here that I am not giving an idea about what kind of anger, but just astrological advice to deal with it in the best possible way. )
But, if ever, if ever ever, you are blessed with their positive passion, love, affection, empathy and the like, stick fast. There can never be a person who can love you the way a Scorpio can. Try.

Sagittarius : “Wasn’t that a joke? You mean you wanted to fight with me? Ruse my anger? That was a laughable attempt. Care a beer or a candy? Wouldn’t you love some sandwiches? The bill is on me”
Easy does it. They are almost always funny and lovable. You can’t mostly get angry with a Sagittarius. Nor can they with people. That is up to an extent. A free reined extent. But a definite extent. Above that and its your bad luck. Or bad time. It doesn’t matter which. Their words can sting, and sting with poison, because they talk the truth. The worst truth about you that can sometimes cause you to repel and sometimes break down. But remember, they are almost always quick to forget it all, and even then their sudden bursts of truthfulness can hurt, but that wasn’t sincerely meant to… and after all aren’t they your friends forever?

Capricorn : The hurt is there. Inside, and sometimes displayed. Violent anger is not that prone to be displayed. But better not to bet on that. Silence and avoidance is more frequent. Deep scars may occur, but they aren’t encouraged to dwell. Partly, the reason is that most Capricorns feel that they deserve the pain that they allow others to cause them. They consider themselves part stubborn and impossible and part pitiable. Sometimes, they can completely tune people out of their lives. There will be no reconciliations. Its a definite. Almost everything about these people are a definite. Except their memories. It can flash at odd moments and induce emotions. Like, they can react to hurts of long ago in a completely stupid manner, but soon will realize and get back to their normal, musty ways. And ancient too.

Aquarius : Heard of lightening? Seen it? It flashes across the sky. And then there is thunder. It can roar, it can fizzle. But it is always brilliant. And sudden. And so-Aquarian. That is the way with their anger, passion, thoughts and everything. That is Uranus. Reactions to anger or provocation can be extremely unpredictable. Unpredictable with a completely bizarre way of expressing it. Like needles up your pillow. Toothpaste on your best dress. Gum in your socks ( gives that mucky feeling ), a syrupy concoction for you to apply on your hair. Or maybe they will dress up in yellow boots and color their hair green to make you see red ( when you realize that it is your best pair of brown Italian boots that got on that color, with the fabric color bottles that you had stocked up to make yourself a glittering yellow tee )… and it varies. There can be shouts, swearing, kicks. There can be silence, far-away looks and complete casting offs. There can be sobbing, accusing, fist fights.
Maybe, you can take a chance.

Pisces : Did someone just accuse them of fighting? Weep-weep. Did someone just call them names? Weep-weep. Did someone say they are indifferent? Weep-weep. Did someone accuse them of not caring enough? Weep….. whoosh.
Period, the Pisces fish just flew away. How do fish fly? They do, when they are Pisces. They also vanish. Temporarily, permanently. The fish hardly quarrel. They try to please everyone in sight. Also those not in sight. And when they realize they can’t they stop trying. And quit.

Well, now that I have done it, people seem oh-so-humane and oh-so-normal. Aren’t they different characters? Isn’t it great to predict up to an extent the outcome of the tiff?

Claimer : Above post is completely from my understanding of the character of each sign of the Zodiac. Inspiration and a few phrases are from Linda Goodman. This may help a few of you. Again, this may not. It depends.

‘Appy Quarreling!

Published in:  on May 14, 2008 at 7:56 pm Comments (2)

A Few Thoughts

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness

Listen to it carefully.

-Richard Bach

How many of us stop to think of the importance of our consciousness?

I was taught once by a very special person that we all have inner voices. That that voice is vey very important in our lives. It is that special part of ourselves that could connect with our spiritual higher selves and lead us through the maze that we create for ourselves.

Why is the world getting so selfish? Everybody wants to retain everything that is in their power to give, to share. Smiles, affection, love, friendship, care, time, money, thought……

I do get up every morning with the inclination to spend a beautiful day. But one look at the clock and its rush hour. And when I step out of the house, there isn’t one grateful ‘thank you’ that I mumble out ( in the least ) to my parents for every single help that they get through to me in that hurry.

Off onto the bus and a hurried few hellos at my friends. A few customary smiles. And then books fly open and the trip through is spent trying to learn ‘something’ for tests. Or writing assignments that turn out higgledy-piggledy in the drive to college.

No gratitude to the driver, the watchman who smiles at me every morning and asks me if I am fine ( of course, I do reply, but it is in the same smile-mumble a few syllables-rush into class style ), to the lecturers ( half the time, they have to put up with my weirdo-ideas, and of course, the all-smiles act is performed only when I want them to sign up my OD letters ), to the patti who takes care of the canteen and food at college ( the smiles that I give her are forgettable ), to my princi ( to put it plainly, I rather not come across him at all), and back in my apartments, to the next door thatha who always asks me why it is that I come home looking so tired and fed-up ( And then when I smile, he answers himself, with a “college padipu naa konjam tiring’a thaan irukum” ), to the cleaning woman who stops sweeping the stairs and waits for me to pass, with a smile and a “paathu po maa”, the toothless flower seller across the road who looks with wide-eyed concern and a guileless smile as I get off the bus before it stops ( the folly of youth ).

People who I come across every day. Who in their small ways make my day. And somewhere, always there is something that tells me that I am not paying them much attention. Lack of time? Energy? Inclination? Thinking about it, it’s more the lack of selflessness.

Each one of us is so wound up in the strings of our lives. The lives that we conjure, carve and create for ourselves. And mostly end up blaming half of it. Worlds in which we remain lost, trying to pull out the threads that we have woven into without meaning to. Worlds where we have no space for other people. And worlds in which one day, we may lose control and get swallowed.

It sounds depressing. But, maybe, a look into the mirror can answer this. Look at yourselves. You breathing. You smiling. Your eyes that can sparkle. Your mouth that curves upwards. Smile at yourself. It is the best smile that you will ever receive. Imagine your world. All the people you would like to have in it. The purpose for which they have to be there. Who are they to you? More importantly, who are you to them? Who will you be to yourself? Imagine those words that you want to hear associated with yourselves. Maybe the time to create that in your life is now. Today. This moment.

Walk out into the reality as you know it. Stop, smile at people who you might not have noticed enough. Share your love. Your affection. Remember that there is at least one person out there who would love to have you care for them. Share your hellos and smile those beautiful smiles. Like they say, someone could fall in love with that.

Live life. Your life. People it with as many as you can. Sometimes, crowds can be interesting too. Make some time out for those special ones. After all, none of us is so busy that we can’t share our time with the ones who give us meaning.

Like Linda Goodman wrote ( And I will never forget her wisdom ), “In the Never land of mathematics, the more you give, the more you get”.

As I love saying, it’s Magic, with a capital M. Always.Period.

Published in:  on May 3, 2008 at 10:16 pm Comments (1)

Not Really Anything

Am plain frustrated.Exams on and there is this feeling of so much suffocation. Early morning trials to wake up, that turn into vexed submission to the sleep that overwhelms. And when I do wake up, drugged eyes that refuse to concentrate on anything, the paper, the books, the walls around me where I invariably escape getting banged into, at the last second. And then coffee… hot and strong, that assails the final remnants of sleep and force my eyes open…

And again a day of chaotic consciousness and sublime nonsense.

I hate the way I have come to spend life. Like a routine. Mundane and monotonous. Monstrous. And yes… looming like a great big gray cloud that just stays there and refuses to budge.

Ok, maybe I am over-reacting. But this is because I am so much so prone to long bouts of incessant worry and blackness. Not exactly blackness in blackness terms, but figuratively. And already there is so much to worry about, other than this dull mechanization of life that has come to be.

Added to that, exams.

Waiting for it to end. Like that day, I will sleep. Twenty straight hours. Or maybe spend the day at the council library. Or sit at home and watch a couple of movies, something that has become obsolete in my life. Or spend the day on the telephone. Or blog. Or write, cook(!), eat. Or wander around the city.

Or worry about the essay that would even then be due. Eleventh hour stuff. Everything at the last minute. The last second.

And worry through it all.

Published in:  on April 29, 2008 at 11:00 am Comments (1)