I AM Perfectly Sane

Weirdos. Am surrounded by weirdos. One who keeps dancing around at formal gatherings, embarrassing everyone around, still appearing endearing. One who keeps fighting with me simply because he and me cannot see eye to eye on HIS mistakes. One who goes off on a pretty long tour, without calling me up, leaving me with messages and missed calls. One who is pissed with me because I did not attend her college symposium. One who is angry with me, or appears to be so, because she is not given ‘due’ attention at college meetings. One who likes reminding me that I am retarded. One who enjoys doing everything that will make me see magenta, red and crimson. One who exists, and hence is a weirdo.

Why are there no sane, perfectly normal, smiling, laughing, sleeping, waking, eating – maybe even gorging, grinning, weeping, and doing everything else other than what I am being done to – people on this side of Earth? Why are there these crazy weirdos with me? I know, you might remind me that as a person is, so are their friends, but I am sane. I am normal. I am – er – almost normal.

Hey crazies, now don’t start tantrums because I blogged about you. Smile cause I did not mention names. Or comment if you would like me to.

Nothing sanguine about this

Just switched the theme of the blog. They call it rustic, old fashioned and dignified. Kind of matches with how I feel tonight. Rusted, ancient and dying.

I got it good from a lot of people. Had donated blood yesterday, and though did not faint immediately afterward, I came home and collapsed. Word spread and people started commenting, asking me why I had “acted” stupid.

What is stupid about donating blood? Er, I know, I am anemic and should not have done, but well, the density test for my hemoglobin was supposedly satisfactory. Maybe the doctors did not bother much. The normal hemoglobin levels for blood donation is to be 12.5 gm and above. A year ago, mine was at 9.3 and I was firmly asked to get myself out of the donating hall. I remember hell breaking loose at home that time, with people trying to stuff me with “iron rich” foods. The only things that they spared seemed to be the window grills and injections, the latter simply because I refused to have anything to do with big mean syringes. Anyways, this year, they did not have the “machine” for checking the levels. They had this solution ( don’t ask me what, anything medical and pharmaceutical, I don’t bother learning ) in which they dropped a blot of blood ( sounds yuck, I know ) and if the blood drop sank within, you could donate. If it floated, you were not supposed to. And mine did neither. It dispersed in the solution. Naturally the doc there was puzzled and she nodded off a “fit for donating” signal.

Again hell broke loose back home and everyone freaked, but I thought that I could enjoy it now. I could be in bed, I could have people attending to me, I could BUNK college, I could glance at that small micro pore band aid on my hand and wrinkle my face in pain, and a lot more.

But, I feel seriously ill, drained of energy. Had been jumping a lot around the city the past week, and combined with the loss of a lot of blood, I guess my system went for a spin. And found it could not stabilize. Now, sadly, I am to start getting injected with iron, for my anemic disposition.
I feel sicker at this news. Could not weed my way out, and had to sadly settle for the deal. Meanwhile, I am happy I am not hospitalized with my migraines. Did I not tell you, I am under siege since early morning.

Now, if you feel healthy after reading through my misery, you are heartless. You aren’t a friend. Just reminded me, I feel a small ache in my heart too…

Love ?

How much can you allow a person to take over your life?

How can you stand miles away from yourself and watch a person run your days? How can you meekly submit and smile as a dominating tyrannical ass claims that it can steer your life better than you? How can such nonsense logic appeal to you, for, even if you make mistakes when you handle your life, at least the mistakes would have been yours.

How the hell can you even imagine a stink-scenario such as the one I mentioned above? That is, how can people who are established individuals, who sing with the wind, dance with the waves and stamp in marsh as they wish, imagine anything like that?

And here, I stop. I will not talk about masochist beings, who enjoy been whipped with words, stung with stares, muted by commands and what not…. by the asses that I drafted. For, they need not imagine these, they live such lives.

I know a girl. A friend. Lets call her Ms.Beautiful-Z.

Ms.Beautiful-Z met a boy. Lets call him Mr.AH (for Arse-Hole).

Mr.AH claimed he loved Ms.Beautiful-Z and that he could give heart-life-soul for her. And Ms.Beautiful-Z gave something in return. Her brains. That defines our problem.

So, hence Ms.Beautiful-Z became Ms.Brainless-Z. She was convinced she has not changed much because she still remains Ms.BZ. While, around her, all of us enlightened mortals, who called her by her first name, realized the morph.

In a single day, he caught hold of the reins of her life. In a week, he dictated terms as to what she should do with it. In a month, her existence reduced to slavish affectations. Today, she is a pathetic excuse of “love” that she supposes to be loyal, equal, fulfilling, hot, passionate!, etc…

We can sense him to be a blackmailing rogue out to get the most out of this relationship, with his constant whines that she takes as commands. Which man whines commands? And which woman recognizes whines as words-of-wisdom? To my surprise, many do.

Love is something that has not be defined adequately. It can maybe never be. It conceals itself as care, trust, affection, empathy, maturity, stability and love itself. So, you see, it is in infinite iteration.

Any relationship where “adjustments” are to be made by one sacrificing individual is a mockery of the romanticism of love.

I decided recently, that to show Ms.Brainless-Z that Mr.AH is a AH is completely in vain. Why take all the pain to drive truth into the brain of a person when you know it ain’t there. Let time reveal.

And to all others, before you jump into relationships, ask yourself if you want it. If it is going to change anything for the better in your life, if you are learning anything from it. If you will forever like the person, whatever maybe the relation. Constant positiveness is impossible, but the negatives should be bearable.

But, once you have decided to yield the hold you have over yourself to a stranger, forget all that I have written here. Carry on with your slave-attitude. Someday, you may die a slave. Someday you may rebel.

Whatever it is, precaution has always been better than cure, and hence, when you come out of it, you would have been battered beyond standard yet hopefully wiser.

Maybe you needed that in this life.

Steamed!

Picking a university.

Never went through anything as colossal or as nerve tensing as this. My lists seem to change every hour as I find myself wreaked by a hundred and odd facts and worries.

The standing of the university in general. Ranking of its Mechanical Engineering Graduate course. Financial aid (have to make that bold and double underline and in capitals). Admission due dates.

I seem to be roaming around looking a lot more stupid than I used to look. I suddenly even smile at complete strangers and frown at friends. Wonder what passes through my feeble excuse of a brain, but I simply cannot fathom the worry that I seem to be carrying.

People who I know, supposed-friends, who have not yet got a job, or in all frankness, have very little idea of their future, murmur words of supposed-envy when we meet. They tell me that I shouldn’t be as much worried as they, because I have a job and also, my MS dreams seem fulfilled. Pathetic creatures. I would like to remind them that I am yet to receive the call letter (which is becoming a big pain in India right now, with companies not issuing call letters till a few years later) and also, having taken up the GRE on the way to MS does not mean that I have the actual “We are extremely happy to inform you that you have been admitted into…..” letter in my hand.

So, back to the complaints. Why should making a career choice and study option be so energy-sapping. I always had dreams that once I get through the GRE, I must actually be laughing my way through the rest of the application process. Laughing? Naive would not suffice to describe me.

And then come the people. Everybody I come across has an opinion of their own. People who don’t understand graduation, or Mechanical Engineering. People who ask me to work and marry and settle(!). Settle for what? A mousy life with an unnamed spouse and dirty kids? Sheesh! Whoever fathomed such ’settlements’ for life must have been a sadist, as evil as they go.

Others, the most irritating kind, are the ones who know what I am worrying about, understand it completely, and yet smile smug smiles telling me that education does not necessarily mean earning degrees. It means to them ‘wholesome learning from the practicalities of life’. Hmm, talking about practicalities to me? And what exactly do they mean by wholesome? Like learning that you should slog at a mere 20 thousand salary for the first few and the most important years of your life, and then die of heart attacks before you reach 35? Like learning with a sickness in your stomach that you would rather be researching on ‘end of the world experiment ideas’ than wash drool from baby bibs and change mucky diapers, even as you wash drool and change a diaper?

In a word, I deem such ‘practical, wholesome ideas of life’ of leading my life, from stupid, mediocre, interfering bullshits as just that. Bullshit.

(I do fathom here that the past couple of posts of mine contain some rather strong language, but I consider this as my literary coming-of-age.)

Back again. Fantastic people around me. They even try and ‘advice’ my parents against letting their daughter grow with ‘too much freedom’ as she could be hurt. When ever did freedom hurt?? The only saving grace is that my parents put up gracious smiles before telling them that if ever anything else of more relevance to them pops up, they will definitely be asked for an opinion. Yeah, I guess I adore my folks for that. For every ounce of the wish for complete independence that they have instilled and nurtured in me.

And as for the few others who do really try to placate my fears, I will write about them in a follow up post. Now that it is out of my system, I feel maybe I can after all try laughing as I hunt universities. Yeah, moving on to my list now…..

Get your asses moving

Why am I even bothering to try and keep this blog updated? Won’t it someday go the same unnoticed way that my other 3 (!) blogs went? Won’t I out of frustration, some morning try and delete this peek-into-my-life?

I just do not understand why it is so important to this world if Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan fight their duffed heads out. Why is it that interesting to get to know if Aamir still smokes? Or maybe if Padmalakshmi is married or single? Who cares if Paris Hilton is jailed, or Obama scoffed at?

Why care at all if your next door bachelor-neighbor has a new girl friend each day? Or if the girl across the street is a nymphomaniac? Or if the lady who lives a floor below you is prone to hysteria?

Wake up people and go live your dreams. Petty silliness and stupid pig headed actions are not going to get you anywhere, if not the totally crazed up wrong way. Fight for your dreams with yourselves. What matters if you are 15 or 95? You have a dream and a purpose, and not sounding philosophical, I guess it is right that you have to carve your big dreams out for yourself and not expect someone else out there to do the chiseling for you. Get a hold and move on.

Don’t give a damn about anything else other than your destinies. And the people who will get affected by you actions. Show enough humanity, but don’t overdo it. You may just risk getting your hearts shredded.

Post Note : I completely am not sorry about the fashion in which this post turned out. If you have a problem with it, to hell with you.