Steamed!

Picking a university.

Never went through anything as colossal or as nerve tensing as this. My lists seem to change every hour as I find myself wreaked by a hundred and odd facts and worries.

The standing of the university in general. Ranking of its Mechanical Engineering Graduate course. Financial aid (have to make that bold and double underline and in capitals). Admission due dates.

I seem to be roaming around looking a lot more stupid than I used to look. I suddenly even smile at complete strangers and frown at friends. Wonder what passes through my feeble excuse of a brain, but I simply cannot fathom the worry that I seem to be carrying.

People who I know, supposed-friends, who have not yet got a job, or in all frankness, have very little idea of their future, murmur words of supposed-envy when we meet. They tell me that I shouldn’t be as much worried as they, because I have a job and also, my MS dreams seem fulfilled. Pathetic creatures. I would like to remind them that I am yet to receive the call letter (which is becoming a big pain in India right now, with companies not issuing call letters till a few years later) and also, having taken up the GRE on the way to MS does not mean that I have the actual “We are extremely happy to inform you that you have been admitted into…..” letter in my hand.

So, back to the complaints. Why should making a career choice and study option be so energy-sapping. I always had dreams that once I get through the GRE, I must actually be laughing my way through the rest of the application process. Laughing? Naive would not suffice to describe me.

And then come the people. Everybody I come across has an opinion of their own. People who don’t understand graduation, or Mechanical Engineering. People who ask me to work and marry and settle(!). Settle for what? A mousy life with an unnamed spouse and dirty kids? Sheesh! Whoever fathomed such ’settlements’ for life must have been a sadist, as evil as they go.

Others, the most irritating kind, are the ones who know what I am worrying about, understand it completely, and yet smile smug smiles telling me that education does not necessarily mean earning degrees. It means to them ‘wholesome learning from the practicalities of life’. Hmm, talking about practicalities to me? And what exactly do they mean by wholesome? Like learning that you should slog at a mere 20 thousand salary for the first few and the most important years of your life, and then die of heart attacks before you reach 35? Like learning with a sickness in your stomach that you would rather be researching on ‘end of the world experiment ideas’ than wash drool from baby bibs and change mucky diapers, even as you wash drool and change a diaper?

In a word, I deem such ‘practical, wholesome ideas of life’ of leading my life, from stupid, mediocre, interfering bullshits as just that. Bullshit.

(I do fathom here that the past couple of posts of mine contain some rather strong language, but I consider this as my literary coming-of-age.)

Back again. Fantastic people around me. They even try and ‘advice’ my parents against letting their daughter grow with ‘too much freedom’ as she could be hurt. When ever did freedom hurt?? The only saving grace is that my parents put up gracious smiles before telling them that if ever anything else of more relevance to them pops up, they will definitely be asked for an opinion. Yeah, I guess I adore my folks for that. For every ounce of the wish for complete independence that they have instilled and nurtured in me.

And as for the few others who do really try to placate my fears, I will write about them in a follow up post. Now that it is out of my system, I feel maybe I can after all try laughing as I hunt universities. Yeah, moving on to my list now…..