Fabrics of Fantasy – VI

“Uh !
I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.00 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize. Below that face is
a door plate which reads :
-Aaron Zelder
Amnesia
213 -
That must be me !
But who am i ?
Where are all my memories ? ”

[15 minutes pass by]

I see myself in a padded cell.Straitjacketed.
My senses are numb. I see a faint glow ….
[continue];
[infinite loop]; ”

Somewhere in that time, that has lost all its meaning, a wild surge grows within me. I do not know how else to express it, feels like I am watching myself perish into meaninglessness and the voidness that prevails death. The surge is furious, like the temper of a hundred suns stunned and withheld within me, and each one of them inside is threatening to come out multi-fold. I hesitate and miraculously, I command myself. Memories, I asked for them, did I not?

I know that this is not the first time that I am talking to myself. I am supposed to know that, am I not? I talk myself into walking up to the Louvre window, and I stare out. At least, I stare and realize what I am staring at. A glow, that is nothing but a reflection of the meek overhead bulb in my room. In my cell.

Mockery. Life had had a fantastic laugh over me and was still laughing. Who was I and how was me, were facts that returned to haunt me, now and then. I realize that my heart was still left where I had last seen it. In her smile.

And why, was I doomed to this life? Because of her?

Faintly, I realize that my body has lapsed into stillness. After all, it just stupidly followed my damn bunked brain. Why was I, the over surpassing mind and subconsciousness, left to provide myself a solitary companionship?

Someday, I will escape this wastrel of a body, this wasted flesh of a brain.

Again, mockery. Had I not been someone who had always prided myself to be of superior intelligence? Of brilliance and smartness that I vowed was unparalleled by my side of the Earth? Had not those accolades proved the facts? Those prizes that I never bothered tucking away with and instead always displayed proudly, elated, but never humble.

Arrogance.

And all it had taken was her. To shatter it, to shatter me. And to shatter herself.

Without any emotion, I trace back time to that day. And the nightfall. I do not go beyond it. I cannot. Strangely, I know that when I do, it will be time for me to say goodbye to existence. I cannot relive it. I cannot.

I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.30 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize.

I sit down again, and I try not to doze off. Will I? I should not. It may spell danger.

I always liked that bed. Pretty frills, neat tucks and the low four posters. Baby pink and magenta. Lovely throw pillows. So what if I have outgrown the bed? It will always be mine.

So will my high chair, that I used when I was still a naughty kid. I was naughty, thoroughly. Naana always used to remember and narrate, and how I enjoyed laughing. She loved me. Truly. Miss you, Naana. Always.

Always spells infinity. and non-existence too. Ironical, time is an eon away. Time is non-existent. Am I repeating stuff?

Miss you Naana. You loved me. You said I was the best grandchild you could ever have had. But I outgrew your love Naana. I drew away from you, I know you missed me. I could see that pain in your eyes Naana. And I did not care. Sometimes, your eyes haunt me too.

Eyes haunt me.

No! Not like hers. Not like mamaa’s. What did I do? All that I did was put Zenas away, Mamaa. Put her away, out of the path, so that your love could be all mine. I was your first daughter, I still am. And now, I am your only daughter. It is glorious. But you…. your eyes.

I did not want to kill her, just take her out of the path of our love. I loved you, mamaa. You and daddy. But, you never realized my pain after she came. You named her like me, Zenas! A unisex name, that you thought your daughters could double up as virtual sons too. No. Not her. I could, but she should not.

Wasn’t I too grown when she came along? I was your only ray of light and then, she was there. Like a lightening. And that night, after that party, I hated it all. So much attention to that miserable bundle of 4 years. And she slept in my favorite bed. You think I was happy when I set fire to it? I hated seeing that bed get burnt. Trust me. I hated seeing that bed going black.

But she smiled, mamaa. She smiled before she felt it. Smiled at me. And when you came in, your eyes….

I have relived it. Somehow, I am numb. That is the only feeling that always registers. Without change.

There is a light somewhere, mamaa. Something like that day I was lost in the fog and then I saw light when daddy came out with the lantern. I remember rushing to him from the corner of the road. But I was too young then. Now the light is brighter. Wonder who is holding it. It gives me peace. Like the light at the end of a dark dark tunnel.

At the end…

Now. I want to be with you, mamaa. Not here. Not isolated. You never come to see me. Do you hate me?

Did I do something wrong, mamaa?

[ Something on what manny started. Whew, Manny! Dealing with such abstract stuff is tough I did not bother on the tense, because it is the mind that emotes, and can it not slip back and forth into time ?

Do any of you out there understand it? ]