! Ding

I have done it!! Pulled an all nighter this weekend, to get up to date with my research…

Wow, this is what it is to sock out the “geek” in me and wave her a friendly welcome into the enchanted(?) world of academia. Enchanted, all right.

Part of the reason I stayed back was because I did not want to walk back to my apt. that night. Nope, not security issues. Rather, it was the weather. I managed an hour of sleep, guess where! in the couch in the restroom 🙂 (thats a dignified way of saying that I spent an hour of the night inhabiting a worn down sofa in a bathroom in my department, after making sure that the heater temperature was well above 32 C.)

Its so f***ing freezing out there. I dont want to walk to univ, and when I get here, I shudder thinking about the walk back. Crazy crazy weather. Madison can’t quite make up its mind. It snows, sunnies out, clouds over, and then, there are the blizzards. Enough to screw up an already muddled, sleep-famished brain.

There was this night when I walked (ran, slipping on sleets, would be better) back home, when it was a crazy -26 C outside. And a point for guessing, yes I was wondering why I dint stick to Chennai. I miss the heat, the sweat, the warmth.

Brr… what all should a soul do to gain enchantment! I guess, that, means getting educated.

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I co-exist

The Universe that we live in, is alive. It lives, feeding on our emotions.

Nope, it ain’t a monster. it’s just that emotion = energy in motion.

What we think/act happens. Its obvious when we act/react and it manifests. But, more subtle is the fact that thoughts are powerful, and are actually “actions” that will evolve when they should. We “subconsciously” decide when they should.

A thought out there:- trust your inner powerful, playful, spiritual, learning self. Your spirit and the higher awareness of you.

You know better than any other person about what is going to happen next. Yes, even on the Crab Nebulae.

They only person you have to reason out to, try to make peace with, and follow is yourSelf.

(Which translates to mean that you can decide that all I wrote is crap and laugh.)

Out of all the million songs so far, I am hooked onto this – Iktara

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To coffee!

CoFFee !

Addicted! My parents are going to be shocked if I say this, am as addicted to coffee as the local Indian ‘kalla chaarayam’ addict is to alcohol!

Morning, noon and night, and every excuse in-between. Am sure I have ingested every type of coffee that the local Madison delis can offer, a million times, according to my bills, but every time is a fresh awakening of the senses.

Grad school bums live on Top-Ramen, according to Piled Higher and Deeper. Modification. We live on tons of coffee, and as for me Maggi (Only maggi that is imported from India has the vegetarian version 😦  and I miss Ramen).

Cold, hot, flavored, strong. Any coffee, any time. Even at 2 in the night, followed by Maggi. Or the other way around.

Ah, Coffee, my love, where would I be and what would I do without you?

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Astro-ed — Stars in my eyes

This is just a clarification to people out there who have been confused about what I have wanted to do with regards to Astro —

Wikipedia states that –

Astronomy is “the study of objects and matter outside the Earth’s atmosphere and of their physical and chemical properties” .

Astrophysics is “the branch of astronomy dealing with “the behavior, physical properties, and dynamic processes of celestial objects and phenomena”.

Astronautics is “the branch of engineering that deals with machines designed to exit or work entirely beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. In other words, it is the science and technology of space flight”.

Aeronautics is “the science involved with the study, design, and manufacture of flight-capable machines, or the techniques of operating aircraft”.

I am interested in the first three. Aeronautics, well, not very imaginative.

Also deeply interested in a fourth Astro… Astrology…. I guess it has something to do with the term “Astro”. It triggers my passion (almost quoting from a jean ad).

By the way, while wikipeding (as there is a googling, there will be a wikipeding from hence), I came across Astro Yogurt – a dairy product from Canada. How nice to have curd that is christened such.

Any ideas on how I can import it in?

…Trudging on… uncharted paths…

Posted in Musings | 11 Comments

Interruption in FOF

Oh Well. I know. I am doing something different again. I am actually breaking into the FOF series and not caring much.

It is, not because I got tired of the starting threads that Karz and Pari posted. It is, not because I am creatively exhausted (bah!).

It is because, I am sitting here, have been staring at this pathetic imprint of mine in blogosphere, and been wondering why it has been in a state of coma for the past few months.

Actually, I don’t know. I lost interest, and here it is, reviving again. And I guess it is going to continue on …. cheers to me!

It is fascinating, to be surrounded by stacks of great smelling new scratchpads and those huge reference tables (thermodynamics, again). I guess I stopped growing, mentally of course, after the age of 5. As far as I can remember, I am yet to come across a kid older than 5 who is excited by new notes. Back then, at 5, all I did was scribble.

My friends tell me that all I do now is the same too. It is insane, but I am obsessed with writing. I can never find a clean neat sheet of paper when I need it because everything would have been written on. Go ahead, blame me for ecological destruction, but oh! I so love books.

Am back to university. It is exciting. And research is great. I mean, I realize that at the end of my eventful life, I may have contributed laughable snips to knowledge, but I am trying my best.

Weird, my post seems to have followed my thought process. I guess that was mundane, a small look into what was running in my mind.

Been waiting for a mail. Should get back to coding my program. When i get stuck again, I promise to blog.

Remember, blogs are beautiful when updated occasionally, and not like a fanatic. Not like I was before.

Posted in Musings | 9 Comments

Block. Simple.

Right now, I’ve got a writers block. Feels like a brick simultaneously hits my head from outside, just as my inside grey matter learns by itself to get queasy and shrivel, wither to nothingness.

Till then people, I thought it reasonable to put up a post announcing that Vindhya (yae, yours truly) will soon be bang on track. 🙂 If you have any suggestions/comments/criticism, put them up, as you all always do.

I don’t actually care if you all splog my blog (thats spam + blog, for anyone other than AV who doesen’t know).

The block will soon get unblocked. Hopefully. Or I am willing to try any other method than those drain unblockers, for want of a suitable technical word.

Thanks.

Posted in Musings | 20 Comments

Fabrics of Fantasy – VI

“Uh !
I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.00 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize. Below that face is
a door plate which reads :
-Aaron Zelder
Amnesia
213 –
That must be me !
But who am i ?
Where are all my memories ? ”

[15 minutes pass by]

I see myself in a padded cell.Straitjacketed.
My senses are numb. I see a faint glow ….
[continue];
[infinite loop]; ”

Somewhere in that time, that has lost all its meaning, a wild surge grows within me. I do not know how else to express it, feels like I am watching myself perish into meaninglessness and the voidness that prevails death. The surge is furious, like the temper of a hundred suns stunned and withheld within me, and each one of them inside is threatening to come out multi-fold. I hesitate and miraculously, I command myself. Memories, I asked for them, did I not?

I know that this is not the first time that I am talking to myself. I am supposed to know that, am I not? I talk myself into walking up to the Louvre window, and I stare out. At least, I stare and realize what I am staring at. A glow, that is nothing but a reflection of the meek overhead bulb in my room. In my cell.

Mockery. Life had had a fantastic laugh over me and was still laughing. Who was I and how was me, were facts that returned to haunt me, now and then. I realize that my heart was still left where I had last seen it. In her smile.

And why, was I doomed to this life? Because of her?

Faintly, I realize that my body has lapsed into stillness. After all, it just stupidly followed my damn bunked brain. Why was I, the over surpassing mind and subconsciousness, left to provide myself a solitary companionship?

Someday, I will escape this wastrel of a body, this wasted flesh of a brain.

Again, mockery. Had I not been someone who had always prided myself to be of superior intelligence? Of brilliance and smartness that I vowed was unparalleled by my side of the Earth? Had not those accolades proved the facts? Those prizes that I never bothered tucking away with and instead always displayed proudly, elated, but never humble.

Arrogance.

And all it had taken was her. To shatter it, to shatter me. And to shatter herself.

Without any emotion, I trace back time to that day. And the nightfall. I do not go beyond it. I cannot. Strangely, I know that when I do, it will be time for me to say goodbye to existence. I cannot relive it. I cannot.

I hear a mechanical voice state the time – “1.30 a.m”
My senses are numb. My hands are bound by a straitjacket.
I see myself in a padded cell.
I walk over to the Louvre,through which a faint glow trickles in,
to see a reflection on the opposing metallic surface.
I see a face,a face that i can not recognize.

I sit down again, and I try not to doze off. Will I? I should not. It may spell danger.

I always liked that bed. Pretty frills, neat tucks and the low four posters. Baby pink and magenta. Lovely throw pillows. So what if I have outgrown the bed? It will always be mine.

So will my high chair, that I used when I was still a naughty kid. I was naughty, thoroughly. Naana always used to remember and narrate, and how I enjoyed laughing. She loved me. Truly. Miss you, Naana. Always.

Always spells infinity. and non-existence too. Ironical, time is an eon away. Time is non-existent. Am I repeating stuff?

Miss you Naana. You loved me. You said I was the best grandchild you could ever have had. But I outgrew your love Naana. I drew away from you, I know you missed me. I could see that pain in your eyes Naana. And I did not care. Sometimes, your eyes haunt me too.

Eyes haunt me.

No! Not like hers. Not like mamaa’s. What did I do? All that I did was put Zenas away, Mamaa. Put her away, out of the path, so that your love could be all mine. I was your first daughter, I still am. And now, I am your only daughter. It is glorious. But you…. your eyes.

I did not want to kill her, just take her out of the path of our love. I loved you, mamaa. You and daddy. But, you never realized my pain after she came. You named her like me, Zenas! A unisex name, that you thought your daughters could double up as virtual sons too. No. Not her. I could, but she should not.

Wasn’t I too grown when she came along? I was your only ray of light and then, she was there. Like a lightening. And that night, after that party, I hated it all. So much attention to that miserable bundle of 4 years. And she slept in my favorite bed. You think I was happy when I set fire to it? I hated seeing that bed get burnt. Trust me. I hated seeing that bed going black.

But she smiled, mamaa. She smiled before she felt it. Smiled at me. And when you came in, your eyes….

I have relived it. Somehow, I am numb. That is the only feeling that always registers. Without change.

There is a light somewhere, mamaa. Something like that day I was lost in the fog and then I saw light when daddy came out with the lantern. I remember rushing to him from the corner of the road. But I was too young then. Now the light is brighter. Wonder who is holding it. It gives me peace. Like the light at the end of a dark dark tunnel.

At the end…

Now. I want to be with you, mamaa. Not here. Not isolated. You never come to see me. Do you hate me?

Did I do something wrong, mamaa?

[ Something on what manny started. Whew, Manny! Dealing with such abstract stuff is tough 🙂 I did not bother on the tense, because it is the mind that emotes, and can it not slip back and forth into time ?

Do any of you out there understand it? 😛 ]

Posted in Musings | 62 Comments